Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Hi John, I notice you still haven't akshully apologised.

After an all inclusive twitter poll of one person, it has been decided that the politician who most needs me to take the piss out of them is STILL John Key. I can't say as I'm surprised by this result.

It comes as little surprise to anyone in New Zealand that our Reptilian Overlord has maintained his stance of MAKE EXCUSES BUT DON'T APOLOGISE over the ponytail pulling palaver. OMG we have to start calling it that at once! PONYTAIL PULLING PALAVER. Get on that Foxy.


Anyway, I'd like to take a brief opportunity to refute some things regarding your hair fetish exploits.

*I have not made my office a laughing stock* - Trust me, you have. TwitterNZ is currently bonding furiously over hilarious hair gags (oh snap, there's another one - Foxy, ponytail gag cartoon at once, you could get a big hair tie in there and make it a ballgag). The whole world is watching and we have little choice but to be the first to make the jokes. It's too embarrassing to wait for them to do it.

*I take responsibility for my own actions* - Well, go ahead then... Oh I see, you think you already have. What a muppet you are. At some point you might have to akshully make an effort to understand what it was you did that has people so annoyed and, you know, apologise for it. I know you think two tacky bottles of plonk and a vague 'sorry I didn't realise you were upset' has fixed everything. But you see, you actually fucked up quite a bit here and at some point it might be nice to hear you say it in a way that makes it sound like you get that. "I'm sorry, she's an attractive girl and I got a bit stupid in her presence. I apologise without reserve to Amanda for hitting on her in such a totally inappropriate and bullying way. I apologise to my wife for disrespecting her so utterly. I apologise to my country for making it look like we're all a pack a backwards Neanderthals who need a refresher course in appropriate behaviour." Something along those lines.

*Denying it was sexism because you COULD have done it to a man* - But you didn't, did you? It wasn't this time, or the several other times you've been caught playing with ponytails. I'd hazard a guess you like blonds too. But I'm game to see this one through. How about I take you to a few random places and we see how you go tugging a strange mans locks. Just for funsies. I'm suspicious that it won't be as funsies for you as it once was. We can even pick little guys if you like. Exactly how stupid do you think the entire country is? I mean obviously you have legit cause to think quite a few of us are gullible twats, or you wouldn't even be in this position. But surely you've noticed that not all of us fall for it.

*Clearly I've misread the situation* - NO SHIT SHERLOCK. You 'misread' a situation a 10 year old could have explained to you.

*It was really meant in good humour and nothing else* - I'm not even going to start on how much bullshit I think that is. Let's just go with, I don't actually care how you meant it, it was facile, it was rude and it was incredibly stupid. Get that through your head and we'll be getting somewhere.

*...those strengths have been a sort of casualness...* - I don't really want a casual Prime Minister. I don't want a guy who's joking around with the lads like some kind of fuckwit rugbyhead. I want a Prime Minister who remembers his place, and remembers his country. I'm cool with a Prime Minister who says Hi instead of Hello when he's wandering around on a local junket. But I'm not cool with a twat who is constantly making inappropriate jokes during question time and thinks he can get away with taking liberties in public. You come of like a crass, insensitive douchebag to so many of us. And it is genuinely EMBARRASSING. 

You don't think anyone was embarrassed? Well we bloody are. Honestly, it's pathetic and it reflects on the whole country. A Womble of a Prime Minister who can't even manage basic schoolyard etiquette? Of course it's bloody embarrassing. I'm not joking about the getting to the punchline first stuff earlier. It's make the jokes, laugh at the jokes or have to cry quietly about them. Jesus, we elected you. Well I didn't, but as a whole the country did, and here you are making fool moves like this. OF COURSE WE'RE EMBARRASSED you wally. It's not as if it's the first time and I'm certain it won't be the last. 

Peace. Out.

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