I am Rtmiss

No Fitz, I am not going to write about my damn feet. They're awesome and everything but I have no current photos.

So I'm celibate. Have been for *mutter mutter* years. I think this causes a certain amount of confusion for certain people who know me, and definitely causes confusion for people who are getting to know me. And people who merely know me via other people.

Because I'm also a flirt. And occasionally quite sleazy. And not against sexual dubiousness. Quite pro it actually, in a nobodies personal boundaries being overstretched kind of way (IE: it's all very well to make vaguely obscene remarks (etc) to someone you know shares your perverted sense of humour, but lay off anyone that doesn't). Then there's the whole dancing at parties thing. Look I don't _really_ mean anything by it OK? There is little chance that anyone is going to convince me to behave (especially during Closer ). And nobody's asked me to.

Here's who I am. Dad named me after Artemis and he was bang on the money. I'm a born hunter. The thrill of the chase and all that. To drag a metaphor out, while I enjoy the hunt and even the capture, I'm not particularly interested in the 13 course meal that results. To keep yanking at the metaphor... I realise that there are a number of guys out there who would be more than happy for me to just order the appetiser but you see the problem is not with them it is with me. Once I start I have a tendency to keep eating until I make myself sick. Not in one sitting you understand, I may have earned the nickname Insatiable Vixen (tally ho!) but I'm not entirely without limit.

In a nutshell the problem is, I fall in love. Stupidly head over heels. With my whole, huge heart. Far too quickly and far too completely (insanely, if you like). So I decided I wouldn't bother with that anymore - it was just screwing me up. Yes I probably could go seek professional help, but - and this may come as a surprise - I don't fucking want to. I'm actually reasonably content with who I am. Skeletons and all.

This is usually the point at which people suggest healthy one night stands... except that I find them deeply unsatisfying - not that I'm exactly a seasoned explorer of the realm. I don't have an issue with the concept, it just doesn't seem to work for me. And since neither does the other thing, I gave it up for Lent. And the rest of the time. Which has done me less harm than you might think. And forces me to examine passing infatuation, of which there have been a few. None that I had any real intent towards, but a spark of interest you might say. Or horny if I want to be entirely honest, which is traditional in these bouts of over share.

While I'm oversharing... I also develop very close bonds with the closest of my friends, and occasionally with people I have literally no (obvious) reason to bond with. I have a few close friends that I HAVE NEVER MET. I usually know long before they do that the bond will be eternal. It's a knack, I suppose you might say. I recognise kindred spirits - not alike spirits you understand - people that I instinctively KNOW I will get along very well with. I've only cocked it up once, I've never been wrong. I got overly enthuastic about forging a bond with someone and scared the living bejeesus out of them. I can be a LOT passionate about things. I can be a total handful - I am aware of this. But if I love you, I love you forever. I am very protective of those in my heart. And a hug monster. If I hug you regularly then you live in the deepest part of my soul. "Don't be afraid. Just walk on in."

Peace. Out.

Mercury rising. In which I get to sound off about SO many things.

For the record. I don't share either.

Humans are animals. With survival drives. We have instincts that go against the grain of 'civilised' society. Sometimes when we react to something we forget to look at that bigger picture, and see what wasn't done. The lengths gone to, to avoid breaking the rules of society. We only see what was.

Caution: this is a demented rant, caused by specific incidents. I have left out the names, though I really hope that they recognise themselves in it. I'm angry, so it'll womble about all over the place.

It shouldn't really be news to anyone, and yet somehow everyone seems surprised by it when it rears its ugly head and causes trouble: being in a relationship doesn't stop other people from being interesting to you. This basic truism is at the back of so many relationship fails it's almost hilarious. If I hadn't been bitten by it myself, more times than I care to remember. If you're genuinely happy and comfortable in your relationship it'll probably stop you from doing any more than just looking. But if you happen to meet someone that you 'click' with it can all get quite tricky. I guess there's a lot of people who would say, when that happens you should just back away from this new person so things can't get awkward. I feel differently about it. Being a socially awkward (let's just not talk about that statement right now o.k., I'll be doing enough baring of my soul without adding my social dysfunction in) nerdy type with major trust issues, I don't 'click' with all that many people. So having found someone with whom I share common interests, someone who's company I enjoy - I'd rather work at making it into something that is acceptable, than throw it away just because stupid hormones are getting all up in my grill to begin with. With all the other things we can do with our brains and our 'hearts', turning a love interest into a friend shouldn't be all that much to ask.

Of course, there's this complication. Jealousy. Trust. Guilt: Stupid. Irrational. Emotions. This is what has happened to me, and two people I care about. Bringing new people into your life is normal. I mean generally normal, I never claimed to be normal myself. I have this awkward situation now: a nice man whom I generally get along with much better than I do with other folk wandered into my life. On top of enjoying his company and the lame-ass banter we engage in, I am attracted to him. The feeling is somewhat mutual. But he has a girlfriend, so we agreed that we will just be friends and began to work on that (which I derp'd up any number of times – socially dysfunctional, remember?). But like it or not it is fairly apparent to less casual observers that we have complicated feelings. I knew that. To a more denial riddled extent he knew that. But to others it probably looked a bit like we were dancing around each other (we were, just not in the way that many people would have assumed). We were working at being friends. Which, of course, I make very hard because I like being affectionate with the people I care most about.

I don’t know exactly what happened, and I can’t find out for fear of making it worse. But some combination of bad things has blown up in our faces, and I am left standing over here feeling cold and alone. And angry, which I feel justified in, merely for the lack of decent communication. Is it too much to ask that one of them actually tell me what happened? Apparently. I’m angry that it seems that bad things are being given more weight than good. Jealousy is a terrible thing, I remember when it would rear its ugly head with my last partner - I would fight with myself over the rationality of it all. Oddly, I often thought that it wasn’t really him I didn’t trust but other people. There’s so much wrong with that train of thought. Did I think he was incapable of saying no? Possibly, given that our relationship didn’t start all that tidily. All of the reason I will never be a part of someone cheating again is tied up in that time. Maybe I thought that if he’d stray for someone as boring as me, what chance did I have that some other bird wouldn’t pull him? Low self esteem is also a killer. I actually think that my crappy self esteem was behind my ‘stealing’ him in the first place. To prove I could. That’s pretty fucking LAME when it comes down to it. It’s not like that this time. I’m not interested in stealing him, I accept that this is not one I can have – which is why it’s kind of blown all my circuits to have it all ripped out from under me.

While this time I am kind of writing about something that has happened to me. Explaining to my friends why I’m being such a giant headcase at the moment. Getting the angry and sad thoughts out of my head, because I don’t want them in my head any more. I’m also using it as a tool for wanking on about a pair of subjects near to my heart (such as it is). Communication, and the ways we deal (or don’t deal) with infidelities.

So there’s this theory, I’m not going to get into the boring details of what led to me thinking in this direction – here it is, the way I think maybe I see it. Civilisation happened because of women. Male survival imperative (you know, sleep with ALL THE WOMEN so your genetic material ‘goes long’) (yeah, I do love to throw in an inappropriate sports metaphor from time to time, what of it?), anyway, male survival imperative is not well suited to the way our society works. Buying a house, settling down with one partner, turning into a jealous monster every time anyone so much as looks at your partner, that’s all female survival imperative (find the best source of genetic material you can and hang on to him for dear life). Sometimes I wonder how any man manages to stick with it. And sometimes I feel bad for the ones who fail and are hung up to dry without any thought about what really happened. Cheating seldom happens in a vacuum. The whole thing would make a great deal more sense to me if civilisation had grown from a matriarchy. If women owned the homes and men could wander from place to place satisfying their seed spreading desires. The idea of where that might have led interests me a great deal. What would society be like if we had started on that footing. Different.

From the perspective of community structures and social nicety, fidelity: marriage: altruism, even love make sense. In a society where property ownership and stable family equal status it makes sense to settle down with one person, build a family, have a legacy to pass on. But our animal instincts sometimes rebel against it. Sometimes the wolf inside me sees an ‘upgrade’ and just wants to go get me some of that genetic material. It’s a decision based on community ethics to not go nail him. When you’re faced with your partner tripping at that hurdle it’s next to impossible to see past your own pain and sense of betrayal to realise that it probably doesn’t mean what you think it means. It’s easy to get caught up in the ‘you bastard’ (or bitch, whatever) part of it and not go looking for more. Who wants to take the time to disassemble when it’s still a raw wound? But after you’ve told him to ‘get the fuck out’ it’s probably a bit late to bother. Do it anyway, it'll help you next time.

A long time ago, I did a small study into boundary setting within relationships. I had a feeling that people were ‘doing it wrong’ and I wanted to see if I could come up with plausible explanations for some of our stupider failings. A lot of people don’t really talk about the boundaries in their relationships. It’s sort of tacitly assumed that if you cheat you might as well not bother coming home and that’s all you need to know. But if you also assume that we have to fight our programming to NOT cheat then doesn’t it make sense to have actually TALKED about this? I realise that serious conversation with your partner is a hard concept to wrap your head around. But I have this feeling that if you actually love them then it’s in your best interests to know what your relationship is about.

The results of the study I did were interesting, well interesting to me, in that the way  men and women felt were quite different. I guess D’uh is the thing to say here. I mean it’s pretty obvious really that men and women have different interests within a relationship. As much as it’s a terrible generalisation that I wish wasn’t even a bit true, men are less interested in the emotional side of the relationship. I have to say I have a strong suspicion that a lot of that is nurture rather than nature. Boys don’t cry, right? And boys aren’t huggy (or they’re a poof) and boys don’t say I love you (or they’re a poof) and boys don’t make spontaneous romantic gestures (or they’re a poof). Sorry, but apparently I prefer my men a tad ‘poofy’. (As an aside I’d like to note that I find this whole ‘or you’re a poof’ bit very weird. My gay friends have basically the same range of behaviours as my straight friends. The only difference is the direction of their sexual attraction. Feel free to call me gay. It isn’t an insult.) All my best male friends, they’re all emotionally kind of broken. They find it difficult to express their ‘nicer’ feelings openly without feeling embarrassed. It’s ok to be an angry stupid douchebag, but telling your best friend you love them is totally out of order (unless you’re both really fucking drunk). That makes me sad for them. It’s nice to be able to tell someone that you care about how you feel, it feels nice for you AND it feels nice for them. The worst part about it is that I don’t tell them that I love them very often, because I know it makes them feel awkward. Except Mr. Chips, I can say I love you to him as often as I want. He's been repaired.

Sometimes the decisions we make when judging a situation don't make a lot of sense. Sometimes when we see someone we care about do something that hurts us we assume that we are the victim, and therefore someone else has to take the blame. Someone else is responsible. Sometimes it's a lot more complicated than that. And more often than not, where we put the blame isn't the only place it can go. Actions can have far reaching consequences, and the decision you make in the face of hurt and anger can lead to exactly the thing you want to avoid.

I'm not going to name names, I'm going to point a finger or two but without names most of the world can bugger off and get their gossip somewhere else.

Finger pointing: If you're going to distrust your partner, how about doing it properly and not then just believing whatever line of BS they feed you to get themselves off the hook. Either you trust them or you don't, if you don't, there's probably a reason why not. Not necessarily because they haven't earned that trust, my trust is very hard to earn (these days) the baggage I carry around with me makes me untrusting by default. If I don't trust someone, it may not be anything at all to do with them, but just that the situation is raising old monsters. As Doctor House regularly says, people LIE. Most people will, if a quick lie gets them out of immediate hot water, just lie and hope you move on without questioning it. If you got as far as not trusting them in the first place: QUESTION IT. Because that feeling of distrust you had right there, it isn't going to go away when your love tells you it was all a misunderstanding. Something else will happen and the distrust that was lurking will jump up and have another go. Because that's pretty much how it works. The bit of you that loves your partner WANTS to believe, but the bit of you that distrusts them (for whatever reason, be it your hang up or their behaviour) doesn't. That bit wants PROOF. And it doesn't go away just because the loving part of you is all happy again.

My back up for this opinion is simple. I was stupidly, blindly, in love. And every time I felt distrust for him, I would ask him about whatever it was and he would tell me whatever would make me stop asking. He would be just contrite enough, mixed with just ‘innocent’ enough that I would back away from the whole thing. No matter what my screaming trust beast was yelling at me, because the love monster’s desire to believe in this all consuming love was louder than the trust beast. I should have listened to my instincts. Because he was a lying cheating miserable bastard who will ALWAYS tell the easy lie. (/bitterness) So I can still love someone, even in the moment that their betrayal is crashing down around my ears, even when I know it's stupid. Even when I know I want nothing to do with them ever again. I wish I had questioned that douchebag's bullshit much earlier than I did. I might have saved myself a lot of angst. And things would be very different now.

And your own douchebag’s bullshit might not be nearly so terrible. In fact I’m pretty sure it isn’t. As much I’m sure there are worse bastards out there than mine, he is kind of in a league of his own. And for the longest time he could do no wrong in my eyes.

So, these people behind this, here’s what I think is going on. One thinks she's confrontational, but isn't - not about the things that matter. The other knows he avoids confrontation and knows that it's stupid but does very little about it. Doomed. And not for the reason they think. But it doesn’t have to be. Getting angry about stuff is not the same as confronting it. Smoothing things over (especially with bullshit) is not the same as dealing with it. So I think that she got mad, and he placated her to avoid the fight. And chucked me under the bus, it would seem. Not just me actually, but I’m not dragging anyone else through the mud with me. I’m having a miserable time, fuck making someone else go there.

Oh looky, we’ve come back to my favourite bugbear. Fucking communication. So many people SUCK at it, and it is so very important. If you have a problem in your relationship your choices are: ignore it, which will lead to either a relationship ending or a relationship turning into a stagnant pool of enduring. Fun. Or you can talk about it. Hey I’m not suggesting it’s a panacea that will instantly cure your relationship. Hell, talking about it could also lead to the relationship ending. But if it does then it would most likely be because you realised the problem was insurmountable. But if it leads to compromise, or some other real fix then you’ll both be happier for it.

Peace. Out.

* I'm not meaning to suggest that only men cheat, I couldn't possibly {hangs head in shame}

** I was going to include a complete history of what actually did and didn't happen with this guy, but you know what - that's nobody's business but mine and his and hers, she can ask me if she wants. I will pull no punches and I think she'll feel better for hearing it. It dawned on me that anyone else who read it would only doing so in the hopes of juicy details (or because for some bizarre reason they enjoy my writing and hope that it might be a 'good' story). If you want juicy details you only have to search 'soft porn stories' and you'll find everything you wanted and a whole lot you probably didn't. The bonus of this is it cuts this diatribe down to about 2800 words instead of a somewhat brain numbing 5000. 

Infidelity. Everyone's guilty.

Over the years I've seen a lot of relationships spontaneously combust because of infidelity. I have some weird opinions about human relationships, like I really don't think most human beings are cut out for total monogamy. But the thing that I want to rant incoherently about today is the blame habits we have over infidelities.

Because almost without exception every situation I've seen, the blame doesn't reach everyone it should.

Let's get to some examples.

A man, let's call him Piece of Crap A or PoCA for short, has a naughty little habit of fooling around just a little bit at parties. He doesn't really cheat, just a little bit of fun. But somehow when he gets found out, it was all the girls fault. She was throwing herself at him. He honestly tried to get her to leave him alone. And ridiculously the girlfriend buys it. Awww poor PoCA, those skanky women just won't leave him alone. And apparently he's too weak and feeble to stop them from kissing him.

But let's take this story a little further. Because I talked to PoCA, because I wanted to know what the fuck was going on his head. And he told me about stress in his life that his girlfriend wasn't very sympathetic with. He talked about confusion in his relationship. That his girlfriend didn't want to deal with. He talked about the terrible guilt he felt over the small slips he made.

Now where does the blame go? What the hell point is there in blame? Talk about what happened and why. Fix things where you can, move on where you can't. There is almost always blame enough for everyone. But almost always there is someone who only looks at their wounds. Standing there saying why? But not actually interested in hearing the answers to that. Because no one wants to hear that maybe just a little bit, they took part in their own betrayal.

Let's move on to insecure crazy bloody madwoman. I only made it that complicated so it would abbreviate to ICBM. Small things amuse small minds. She gets obsessive about things. People. So when she sees this guy that she really likes the look of she becomes very predatory in her efforts to catch him. This guy has a girlfriend, but ICBM doesn't really like her and tells herself that the girlfriend is a horribly manipulative user. And upgrades her pursuit. She does actually care about the guy, it isn't just a hunt-thing. Probably more of a hunt thing than she imagined though. She catches the guy, he leaves his girlfriend.

As with the first case, there are 3 people in this story. ICBM has actively stolen this boy from his girlfriend so definitely some blame there. The guy? Well it takes 2 to cheat. At least 2. The girlfriend? You know this time I'm really not sure, because as much as I know what I saw. That she seemed to be a reasonably happy person most of the time, but that whenever the boyfriend came into the room a kind of fake looking sadness would come over her. She was always telling him to go off and do his own thing while looking miserable about it. So he would stay with her. So again, 3 people who all have some blame they could take. But I'm pretty certain only 2 of them did.

And moving on again, to denial equals reinterpretation person, because Derp is a fantastic name for this guy. This guy has what appears to be a great relationship with a fantastic woman who seems to be crazy about him. And the lucky bastard has an open marriage. Within reason. But things aren't as perfect as they seem. Because while they're open about sexual matters, they rarely talk seriously about anything else. Things that are wrong in the relationship fester because they don't want to talk about them. So Derp begins to spend more time with other people - the communication that is missing in his relationship, he starts to find with other people. And the less he talks with his partner the less he cares for her.

And when it falls apart? Everyone is angry with Derp for cheating. Angry with the other woman for getting in the middle of a relationship. And once again, no one really learns anything.

People are generally either unwilling to blame themselves, or too willing to. To the exclusion of the other participants, who certainly had a role. PoCA's girlfriend merrily blames external forces while blithely ignoring the possibility of an actual problem within their relationship. While PoCA feels guilty for messing about a little, but doesn't deal with the problems he knows are behind it.

ICBM & the jilted girlfriend blame themselves and each other while ignoring the cocknozzle in the middle. Unwilling to see fault in the thing they fought for. While guy in the middle thinks these things happen, and doesn't think much further than that.

And Derp blames his ex, while his ex blames him and neither of them expose the faults in their own behaviour. The new girl thinks she can smile all the way to the bank, but when you get into a relationship by cheating can you really ever believe it might not happen again?

Actually I've seen many a human do exactly that - and been that idiot myself. I don't think once a cheater, always a cheater is necessarily true - people do sometimes learn from their mistakes, but I do think that a relationship that starts in broken trusts is guaranteed to be a lot harder to make work in the long run.

Human beings are animals, we have instincts. That are occasionally at odds with socially acceptable behaviour. we have the capacity to overcome our baser instincts, each and every one of us. Denying we have them is foolish, acting against them to do the 'right' thing, sublime.

He said, she said.

OK I've just been going on about communication and how important it is. Honesty, openess all that crap. And then I am reminded of the idea, by several completely different and unrelated events, of how important the perceptions of communication are. You say something, I hear it. And yet somehow in the split second of that apparently flawless communication, something gets lost in translation. You think you said exactly what you meant. I think I heard exactly what you said. And yet we are both on a different page.

A common example, and one that invariably leads to heart break. I'm chucking this one out there because it's bitten me more than once, and I'm prepared to bet I'm not the only one. You say "I love you", what you mean is "I love you right now" what I hear is "I love you forever". If you haven't been bitten by one side of it then maybe you've been bitten by the other side. The bit where you break someone’s heart because they thought you meant forever. I've probably done that too. Oh be honest, I KNOW I've done that and it doesn't make me feel very good about myself.

To be fair: I seriously doubt that very many people do it on purpose, I certainly didn't.

Everyday miscommunications happen. Because we aren't very careful with language. Because what we say is inevitably filtered through at least 2 brains, and no two are alike. We assume that when we say something screamingly obvious to us, it's screamingly obvious to everyone else too.

Sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes we blurt stuff out without really thinking about it, verbal ejaculate. And while most of the time this works ok, sometimes you end up getting spunk in someone’s hair - and most people don't like that. As with all ejaculation, more fun will be had by all if you exercise a little control. A little verbal tantric sex.

As with all things in life a little thought about how you would like people to speak to you if the positions were reversed doesn't go amiss. Not always foolproof, since for example I have a harder shell than most. What doesn't offend me might still rip your undies. So add a little 'what do I know about the person I'm talking to' into the equation. If you know that 'x' is a lot more sensitive than you are then tone yourself down accordingly. Keep to honesty and crap, just couch it in gentler language. If you know a specific subject makes someone nervous, be careful around it. It's pretty obvious when you think about it - how much do you like it when someone else is making you uncomfortable?

Which leads me back into sexual politics. Possibly not an obvious leap to everybody - but there’s another place where miscommunications happen. I was already thinking in that direction so I was easily lead there.

Let’s just leave established relationships out of this. I've kinda done that to death anyway. We know how much miscommunication annoys the crap out of me there :P

One of the most annoying things in the whole universe to me at the moment is MIXED FUCKING SIGNALS. When your actions don't match up with your language. Or your behaviour from one day to the next is just wildly different. OK you're not sure what you want. Tell me that. Instead of boring me senseless with constant changes in temperature. That was way less specific than it sounded ;) It may not even be about me .

Which leads me into an inevitable digression. The question Du Jour* - does being drunk make you do stuff you totally would never ever do normally, that you don't even have any interest in. Or does it just bring latent or repressed behaviour to the surface? Yes, yes alright there's a lot of room for grey area here. Just give me your thoughts and impressions. Anecdotes even if you like. I've done some fairly stupid things while drunk, but I'm not sure that they were 'out of character' stupid.

"Now, back to the good part." Mixed signals. It would be nice if people’s intentions were always clear, but they're not. However, sometimes they are way way way less clear than is technically acceptable. No means no, and yes mean yes. But there's this whole fuzzy area inbetween that can be very confusing. So if you have no intention of letting it get to the 'good part' then it's probably not a good plan to let it get to the hearts racing stage at all. All that fun extra blood flow for nothing. The hypocrite in me is hiding under a table right now. He'll be crawling under the back porch in a minute. Because the other side of this is: if you ARE interested in a little something more, you should probably get that out there - missed opportunities make me cringe. {Yes I have been spending a lot of time cringing lately, thank you shy guy}. I really should take my own advice here. But even my Shy Guy sends me mixed signals. 'Come here, Come here, Go away' bloody hell!

I have a story of mixed signals to share. I'm removing names, because I think I should. I don't want to get anyone in hot water, unless it's a spa pool. So. At a party, nice time being had - both people have been drinking and are probably at similar states of drunkenness. Not massively pissed, just buzzed. So an incident occurs which leads to them sitting in a bedroom alone. Listening to music for entertainment, and talking. She's fooling around with his neck with one hand. He has her other hand held between his. What's the signals here people? Pretty low level stuff here, sorry to disappoint. I just find this one an interesting case study :P I can elaborate a little if asked. No further details, just go watch some porn if you're that desperate.

Peace. Out.

Denial is the worst form of deceit.

Sometimes we even believe the stories we’re telling. Sort of. Scratch the surface very hard though, and it’s very hard to lie to yourself about your feelings. Your behaviour.

This is why I have this firm belief in the idea that you can cheat without any actually sexy sex being involved. Because these things are about deceit. About betrayal. About sharing something intimate with someone other than your partner. Sometimes your partner has different opinions about what counts as intimate. But more often than not any differences of opinion are more about the lies we tell ourselves.

And more often than not, the worst betrayal is in the emotional bonds we form. I care if you fuck someone else, but I’ll probably get over it. If you get all tied up emotionally with another person, that I might not get over. Hence the common cry of ‘It didn’t MEAN anything’. Limits, I guess. After all, there is nothing wrong with making a new friend. And there’s something beautiful to be said for finding your Cara M’anama. The friend of your soul. My best friends have always been guys. This has sometimes caused friction with partners.

Cheating is an interesting subject to me, because I think it’s open to so much misinterpretation. And it’s more often than not treated as entirely one half of the partnerships fault when I think this is seldom the case. Sure, the one who gets caught doing the dirty is a sack full of cocks (or a sack full of cunts I suppose but that just doesn’t have the same ring) no matter which way you look at it. But the reasons why it happens are seldom one sided. I don’t think it’s good that someone is walking away from the relationship all self righteously angry and learning nothing from the experience. Nothing but mistrust. Because they don’t understand why it happened. Human nature being what it is, we don’t WANT to know about the part we played in our own betrayal. We just want to wrap ourselves in anger and self pity.

This non-sexy-sexy-cheating. What’s THAT all about? How can it be cheating if no one actually CHEATED. Definitions. What IS your relationship with your partner? Is it just sex? Probably not, because if that really was ALL it was then you wouldn’t get UPSET by cheating, you’d just get angry. But we get jealous, and hurt because we are EMOTIONALLY bonded to our partners. So then if we become emotionally bonded to someone else, isn’t that still cheating? Even if we are controlling our hormones.
There is a line of course. We all become attached to new and different people over the course of our lives. We find new friends, sometimes close ones. And that can’t be a bad thing. Unless it is. Unless we’re fitting that new person into our lives to replace something that’s missing from our relationship. Harp, harp. I’ve watched too many friends break their relationships this way. Because they didn’t see that they were crossing a line until they were too far over to step back.

For me, there is no chance at all that I will physically cheat UNTIL I am already emotionally involved with this other person. Of course there is also a good chance that if I’m already emotionally involved on some level, I’m also not going to be very keen to let go of this other person. So then, can I turn this into a friendship despite other complications? Perhaps. I certainly think it’s worth a try. But then, I find it difficult to open my heart to anyone, so having found someone I can open up to, letting go of them seems like a huge loss.

I’ve been there. I’ve slotted someone into my heart to replace something that was missing from my relationship. I should have just left my relationship. But at the time I was still IN love with my partner, and sometimes seeing the cracks isn’t so easy from the inside. It’s hard to admit that you should leave someone you’re still in love with, for both your sakes. Too hard most of the time. And sometimes it’s hard to avoid the draw of replacing the thing that isn’t there in your relationship. Too hard. When you cannot even see that something is missing. Maybe I wasn’t really in love anymore. Maybe I just loved him a lot and hadn’t noticed the change. Hadn’t noticed when the thing that was missing went from being not such a big deal to a major problem. I knew it was missing. I just didn’t want to believe it was a problem.
I suppose there’s the argument that knowing that there is a problem in your relationship, you should fix it. Not all things can be fixed. Yes, I think I’ve had relationships fail that didn’t have to. But if neither of us could be bothered fixing it, well c’est la vie. I’ve also looked back and been aware that the missing things in a relationship were not fixable. Because what was wrong was about who we were. What I needed was not something he had. What he needed was not something I had.

This was meant to be about denial. Someone new and interesting has walked into your life. Or maybe someone you already knew somehow becomes closer. You’re not DOING anything. Sure, you noticed them, sure you approached them – or they approached you, whatever. But you’re not going to DO anything. Deal with it! Or sure as anything you will end up doing something. And at each step you will keep telling yourself it’s ok. You haven’t really done anything. It’s not going to get out of hand. Everything comes back to communication with me. So here is where I would be talking. But I guess from watching other people that for most the easiest and probably best approach is to just walk away. Decide which bit is the bit worth keeping and walk away from the other bits. It’s easy to look at someone else’s failing relationship and think, ‘oh, he should never have kept seeing that tart if he thought he might end up cheating’ but what if that tart is actually someone he’s meant to be with? It’s easy to think why didn’t she just say NO when that bastard was getting too close. But what if she was so very lonely in her relationship? Does she deserve to feel alone? OK she should have walked away from her lonely, broken relationship. But that’s not always so obvious from the inside.

Should we deny our needs just because we’re already in a relationship? Or should we look at that need and wonder if we’re not missing out on something. Act on that knowledge. Be it leaving the relationship that isn’t perfect or trying to fix it. Are we supposed to be in denial with ourselves? Our partners? Back to communication. Because I guess on top of thinking that communication is good TM, I also think that if you aren’t prepared to try to communicate with your partner there really isn’t a lot of point in being with them. Why bother with relationships at all if you aren’t interested in the humanity of it?

Peace. Out.

A matter of trust.

In the past I've had trust broken. Smashed. MUNTED. It's not been an easy thing rebuildng it, I still have a very long way to go.

I have also been a part of breaking someone elses trust. For which I am still unable to forgive myself. It's not a mistake I intend to repeat.

I'm borrowing heavily in quotes from Billy Joel's song "A Matter of Trust", because some of the lines are outrageously fitting.

Trust, if it's broken, it's the hardest thing in the world to repair.

Every positive relationship in your life is built on trust. From the relationships you have with your family, your friends, your co-workers right through to the relationship you have with your partner.

In the course of your life, it's pretty much bound to get broken a few times. If you're lucky it won't be the all-consuming 'oh my god my life is OVER' wangst overload of betrayal that many get to endure. Or maybe not, because I'm pretty sure that the rage filled angst of several years of recovery from such an event has made me a much better person. Certainly one who is infinitely less likely to be willing to inflict that feeling on anyone else.

Sometimes we walk into a relationship carrying the baggage of previous angst filled experiences. Trust is broken before we even start. Sometimes our new relationship doesn't deserve that trust (looks at the ground and turns slightly pink), but often it has nothing at all to do with the new but is all about the past. Hardly fair, but also hardly surprising. We are creatures built of our pasts. We are the sum total (and more) of our learning experiences. If some of those experiences left us raw, it's hardly surprising when that affects our future decisions.

"...You can't go the distance
With too much resistance..."

Too true Billy. It's ok to walk into a new situation with a certain amount of trepidation. Pretty normal actually. But if it continues to be an issue it will eventually become a thorn. At some point you have to relax and accept the new situation. If you can't trust someone, what are you doing with them anyway? Is it something they're doing or is it you?

"...I can't offer you proof
But you're going to face a moment of truth..."

In every new relationship there will at some time come a leap of faith. When you can jump with both feet from the precipice and cross your fingers. If you fail at this hurdle the time has come to ask yourself, why? What stopped me from jumping? I can't tell you to jump. I won't tell you to jump. But I will tell you that knowing why you didn't might just save you a whole lot of angst, hurt and time wasted. Time wasted? Yep. Because if you know that the reason why you didn't jump is because you just can't trust the other person, then you can pull the rip cord now. Get out now. Before it comes to the bitter recriminations part of the play. Here I really do know that of which I speak. I have been the one yelling 'well if you can't bloody trust me WHAT IS THE POINT?!!?' The one who has decided 'fuck it, if he's going to believe I'm betraying him right, left and centre I might as well at least be enjoying it.' Which is incidentally the point at which I should have left. Having figured out that he was never going to believe me no matter what I did, I should have pulled that rip cord and got the hell out of dodge. But I let 'but, I love you' sway me. He didn't love me, he wanted to trap me. He wanted me to belong to him, that isn't love.

"...Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control..."

If you need your partner to do it your way all the time, you are... DOING IT WRONG!
Your partner comes to you with their own needs. Their own background. Their own friends. Their own baggage. Trying to make them fit into your life and leave none of their own - well actually it makes no sense to me. By all means, involve them in things you do if they want to. But at the same time involve yourself in their life where they want you to. Sure I hope you like my friends. I also hope your friends like me. But making you trash your friends because YOU'RE WITH ME NOW! That's actually pretty sick. If you like someone, why are you so hell-fired to change them? Sure in every relationship there is a bit of giving up of stuff. In a reasonable world this works from both sides. Because: News Flash, NO ONE IS PERFECT. Those irritating little flaws of theirs? You have flaws equally as irritating. If you want them to be willing to give up something of theirs, doesn't it actually make sense to go to the table willing to give up something of your own? You don't have to be a selfish bastard. As much as we are kind of preprogrammed to it, we don't HAVE TO be dicks.

"...Some love is just a lie of the mind
It's make believe until its only a matter of time..."

Sometimes we invent a relationship that isn't even really there. I'm a hopeless romantic, I invent stuff all the time. The trick is knowing that it's just an invention. Your partner is who they are, not what you pretend they are. If what they are isn't enough for you - or is just plain not right for you. Leave. Now. Yes, I am a cynical bitch. Now, LEAVE. Before everybody gets hurt. This has been your *rip the bandaid off* moment for today.
Sometimes we even invent feelings we aren't actually having. I have been known to wonder if, if we pretend long enough does it become the reality? Maybe sometimes it does. But I think more likely it just becomes the status quo. A stale relationship that doesn't even mean anything but is easier to be in than to get out of. Wow. I am just MADE of cynicism. Which leads me to...

"...Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start..."

Happens all the time. Fireworks in the sky, turn to damp squibs when left under the staircase. This is not a reference to Harry Potter. Not all staircases are ones the Chosen One has lived under, and not all squibs are the magically under endowed.

"...And they may not want it to end
But it will it's just a question of when..."

Relationships often sputter and die. Just as often we stick with the cold ashes, because they're comfortable. Or because chucking them out is really uncomfortable. Sooner or later you would be well advised to chuck those things away. Because you both deserve better. You remember that feeling of joy at just being with that someone special? Do you then remember the joy it gave you to know that you made the other person feel that way? Doesn't that other person still deserve to feel that way? Don't you? There is a feeling of 'giving up' about the whole idea, that I don't think is very healthy. Sometimes it actually IS better to give up, move on and try again. For everybody. Settling for OK is all very well and good I suppose, but can't I have AWESOME instead? Just chucking Miss Cynicism out the door for a sec, OK sometimes there is a time to stick with it too. Recognising the difference is another one of those save-you-a-lot-of-grief moments.

"...I know you're an emotional girl
It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world..."

I've wandered away from the issue of trust a bit. Gosh imagine, ME, wandering off topic. Pfft.
I actually DID lose my faith in this world. And it took quite a lot of unusual things for me to gain even a small piece of it back. It took a ridiculously decent man, a ridiculously shy man, and a lot of rediscovering the concept of fun. I am still extremely gun shy. It may not appear so to the untrained eye. But if you were paying attention you might notice that with very very VERY limited exceptions I am only letting people get close who were ALREADY close. Whom I already trust, and who have given me no reason to doubt them. There was a dark patch for a while there were even those (un)lucky few wouldn't have got close. I trusted no one. Except Kitty. At no point in any of this did I allow myself to fail my relationship with her. She is a fairly amazing kid. Yes, I know I'm duty bound to say that or some shit. No actually, even with my kid I call a spade a spade. She is an amazing kid. Possibly a little jaded in places - for her age, she didn't come out of the angst pit without scars either. In fact I should be saying an amazing young lady. A child she is, no longer. She has been a large part of the restoring of my faith in the people around me. And she's very very good for me. Because she too calls a spade a spade. She pulls me up when I'm being excessively dick-like.

"...It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed..."

It really is. And this is what it felt like. I was always afraid, of every new situation. And the slightest setback was like a whole new betrayal. I'm still a bit afraid. Just not as much, and I'm more willing to fight to overcome the fear. In certain circumstances anyway. In a couple of cases, I am quite deliberately letting fear drive. Because the alternative is. Not better. Thanks for that line Jorma.
So, what am I getting at? I don't fucking know. Think twice before you entirely ass up a relationship with your selfish disregard? Possibly something like that, but really I'm mostly just getting stuff off my brain. As is often the case with these outbursts.

"...So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust..."

The heart you fool around with belongs to another human being.
Don't be a dick.

Peace. Out.