Gender politics and the bathroom

Brought to you by the letters A & Hole. Rich with sarcasm.

Look, I know sexual/gender politics is a touchy subject. People get all uptight when we start talking about naughty bits, and all confused when you bring up the idea that maybe their idea of 'normal' might not be the only option. 

Today we discussed the subject of toilet choices appropriate for transgender persons. Because of a newspaper article quoting a guy who thinks the idea of letting transgender people use the bathroom of the gender they feel themselves to be is wrong. See here.

This article was specific to schools - and as a parent I can understand why these things are worrying to parents. The idea that we might screw up our kids is a constant dread. This particular subject seems very straightforward to me - and I'm 100% positive my daughter would agree entirely. A trans-girl is a girl and if there is a gender specific bathroom she should be able to use the GIRLS bathroom. The same applies for a trans-boy. They are a BOY. Gender is in the brain, and I count myself fortunate that the gender in my brain matches the genitalia I have been provided with. It is not so simple for everyone, and why the hell does everyone have to get so bloody uptight about it? I'm really at a loss to untangle the reasoning behind the concern. When you go to the bathroom do you also worry that there might be someone gay in there with you? If you do, you probably need to get over yourself a bit. Is there some kind of weird distortion in your head (and trust me, it's in YOUR head) that tells you that people who are outside your limited version of 'normal' are somehow creepy by default? Boys, is it about someone who might have a vagina potentially seeing your penis? Because besides the urinal I'm not really sure where what you have in your pants is actually relevant to the bathroom experience. I'm not there for the contents of YOUR undies.

In the bathroom I am generally not there to look at peoples bits. And if I am I probably have more to worry about than who's bits I'm looking at, also the fact that I'm looking is MY problem not the person I'm looking at. If you're worried that someone is looking at you in the bathroom then report them - it still isn't their gender that is the issue. 

A lot of men's bathrooms have urinals - I can see where this is causing an issue for some people, disconnecting yourself from the idea that the trans-boy maybe has a vagina and is somehow going to be obsessing over your penis while you're having a pee could certainly be a problem, FOR YOU. Try coming to grips with the idea that he's a boy and probably isn't that fascinated by your penis - unless he's also gay, but again it's not his GENDER that's the issue there, and any number of other men in the bathroom could also be gay AND have a penis. I suggest you just stop thinking about it, it'll make you blind.

I like the idea of Unisex bathrooms. I don't see the need for separating the genders as much as we do. I think we would go a long way further towards genuine equality in this and so many other things if we just stopped separating so much stuff out. What if we just stopped having a mens bathroom and a womens bathroom, we just have one big bathroom. Scrap the urinals, all cubicles. Sanitary disposal in each and every one. A reasonable number of wheelchair capable stalls. And baby change tables. Tampon/pad dispensers right out there in the open where people can learn to deal with the idea that menstruation is just a bodily function. A few people argued that kids might be 'confused' by the idea of a unisex bathroom. How? No seriously, in what way is this confusing? Do they use gender specific bathrooms at home? Probably not. Kids know what toilets are for better than adults do. It's adults that tend to do things in them that aren't actually toilet specific. My experience of children is that they are far more open to peoples differences than adults are - kids develop their hang-ups as a result of growing up. Growing up without them seems like a much better plan to me.

One of the reasons I'm so passionate about education is that I believe that most of the worlds ills can be solved by making a better job of raising the next generations. If we raise our children to respect each others differences, to have tolerance for others opinions, to be willing to listen and discuss not just stick their fingers in their ears and expect their way all the time then maybe we can all make some better decisions. So I think Unisex bathrooms is a good plan.

If it's all happening in a cubicle what difference does it make who's in there? 

I can see where changing rooms are more of a problem. I don't think they should be, but that's a whole other discussion. They are a problem and they will be a much trickier one to solve. But transgender is not the ONLY issue with changing rooms - many people are uncomfortable with changing in front of other people anyway. I've seen some pretty spectacular meltdowns in changing rooms because someone was uncomfortable about stripping in front of others and some staff member was utterly insensitive. So shouldn't we ALREADY have some private cubicles? Because mental health and wellbeing is important. If there's IS an option for people who are uncomfortable with changing in front of others, then just extend that to people who would otherwise have to change in a room that either isn't appropriate for them OR makes others uncomfortable by their presence. I want the universe to grow up, but I'm realistic about this happening overly quickly.

So here's what I think the answer is. Not what I expect the answer to be, but what I, personally, think the best solution is. Unisex toilet facilities, utilising ALL stalls (no urinals) with full length doors (those fucking short doors in school toilets are unbelievably demeaning - try sending an adult to one of those and see how they react) since adults seem to want real privacy in the bathroom why aren't kids granted this? And yes I mean it about having sanitary item dispensers in all bathrooms. This one came up for me on a discussion of the news article where someone suggested that women needed more privacy in bathrooms, because periods. Seriously. Because periods. I buy tampons and pads over the counter at the supermarket from both complete strangers and people I know quite well from my neighbourhood. I bleed once a month like most women do. Sometimes I need to change a tampon or pad in a public bathroom, and I have never felt in the least self conscious about the idea and since it's all in a cubicle - who bloody cares?? Yes I know that some people are more self conscious about it, and that girls are sometimes a bit embarrassed when Aunt Flow first comes a'calling but again I'm pretty sure this is a product of social conditioning. It doesn't have to be awkward, and I actually think young ladies are getting less and less concerned about such things - I think teens in general are getting far more upfront and unconcerned by all sorts of issues, which I think is bloody fantastic. Do guys get embarrassed about shaving? Then piss off, I'm not getting embarrassed about bleeding. 

Maybe we should ask teens what they think about all this. Because they're actually closer to the issue than us elderly folk, and attitudes HAVE changed. From what I hear from both my daughter and her friends, and from my own transgender friends the majority are not terrifically worried about the issue, at least not enough to actually say or do anything horrid. At my daughters school what might be considered as the disabled toilets have been more sensibly tagged as 'unisex' and anyone can use them. Though from what I hear the trans girls use the girls bathroom and the trans boys use the boys bathroom and no one seems very worried about it. 

At the same time, leave the changing rooms as they are, have private cubicles for those situations that warrant it, that are completely separate from the gendered changing rooms (yes this matters - otherwise the shy or trans or whatever kids STILL have to go into a choice of room and are still stigmatised), and I'll keep hoping for a day when we don't need to segregate anymore. 

Peace. Out.

* Another post I made about transgender issues a bit over a year ago here

A matter of trust.

In the past I've had trust broken. Smashed. MUNTED. It's not been an easy thing rebuildng it, I still have a very long way to go.

I have also been a part of breaking someone elses trust. For which I am still unable to forgive myself. It's not a mistake I intend to repeat.

I'm borrowing heavily in quotes from Billy Joel's song "A Matter of Trust", because some of the lines are outrageously fitting.

Trust, if it's broken, it's the hardest thing in the world to repair.

Every positive relationship in your life is built on trust. From the relationships you have with your family, your friends, your co-workers right through to the relationship you have with your partner.

In the course of your life, it's pretty much bound to get broken a few times. If you're lucky it won't be the all-consuming 'oh my god my life is OVER' wangst overload of betrayal that many get to endure. Or maybe not, because I'm pretty sure that the rage filled angst of several years of recovery from such an event has made me a much better person. Certainly one who is infinitely less likely to be willing to inflict that feeling on anyone else.

Sometimes we walk into a relationship carrying the baggage of previous angst filled experiences. Trust is broken before we even start. Sometimes our new relationship doesn't deserve that trust (looks at the ground and turns slightly pink), but often it has nothing at all to do with the new but is all about the past. Hardly fair, but also hardly surprising. We are creatures built of our pasts. We are the sum total (and more) of our learning experiences. If some of those experiences left us raw, it's hardly surprising when that affects our future decisions.

"...You can't go the distance
With too much resistance..."

Too true Billy. It's ok to walk into a new situation with a certain amount of trepidation. Pretty normal actually. But if it continues to be an issue it will eventually become a thorn. At some point you have to relax and accept the new situation. If you can't trust someone, what are you doing with them anyway? Is it something they're doing or is it you?

"...I can't offer you proof
But you're going to face a moment of truth..."

In every new relationship there will at some time come a leap of faith. When you can jump with both feet from the precipice and cross your fingers. If you fail at this hurdle the time has come to ask yourself, why? What stopped me from jumping? I can't tell you to jump. I won't tell you to jump. But I will tell you that knowing why you didn't might just save you a whole lot of angst, hurt and time wasted. Time wasted? Yep. Because if you know that the reason why you didn't jump is because you just can't trust the other person, then you can pull the rip cord now. Get out now. Before it comes to the bitter recriminations part of the play. Here I really do know that of which I speak. I have been the one yelling 'well if you can't bloody trust me WHAT IS THE POINT?!!?' The one who has decided 'fuck it, if he's going to believe I'm betraying him right, left and centre I might as well at least be enjoying it.' Which is incidentally the point at which I should have left. Having figured out that he was never going to believe me no matter what I did, I should have pulled that rip cord and got the hell out of dodge. But I let 'but, I love you' sway me. He didn't love me, he wanted to trap me. He wanted me to belong to him, that isn't love.

"...Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control..."

If you need your partner to do it your way all the time, you are... DOING IT WRONG!
Your partner comes to you with their own needs. Their own background. Their own friends. Their own baggage. Trying to make them fit into your life and leave none of their own - well actually it makes no sense to me. By all means, involve them in things you do if they want to. But at the same time involve yourself in their life where they want you to. Sure I hope you like my friends. I also hope your friends like me. But making you trash your friends because YOU'RE WITH ME NOW! That's actually pretty sick. If you like someone, why are you so hell-fired to change them? Sure in every relationship there is a bit of giving up of stuff. In a reasonable world this works from both sides. Because: News Flash, NO ONE IS PERFECT. Those irritating little flaws of theirs? You have flaws equally as irritating. If you want them to be willing to give up something of theirs, doesn't it actually make sense to go to the table willing to give up something of your own? You don't have to be a selfish bastard. As much as we are kind of preprogrammed to it, we don't HAVE TO be dicks.

"...Some love is just a lie of the mind
It's make believe until its only a matter of time..."

Sometimes we invent a relationship that isn't even really there. I'm a hopeless romantic, I invent stuff all the time. The trick is knowing that it's just an invention. Your partner is who they are, not what you pretend they are. If what they are isn't enough for you - or is just plain not right for you. Leave. Now. Yes, I am a cynical bitch. Now, LEAVE. Before everybody gets hurt. This has been your *rip the bandaid off* moment for today.
Sometimes we even invent feelings we aren't actually having. I have been known to wonder if, if we pretend long enough does it become the reality? Maybe sometimes it does. But I think more likely it just becomes the status quo. A stale relationship that doesn't even mean anything but is easier to be in than to get out of. Wow. I am just MADE of cynicism. Which leads me to...

"...Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start..."

Happens all the time. Fireworks in the sky, turn to damp squibs when left under the staircase. This is not a reference to Harry Potter. Not all staircases are ones the Chosen One has lived under, and not all squibs are the magically under endowed.

"...And they may not want it to end
But it will it's just a question of when..."

Relationships often sputter and die. Just as often we stick with the cold ashes, because they're comfortable. Or because chucking them out is really uncomfortable. Sooner or later you would be well advised to chuck those things away. Because you both deserve better. You remember that feeling of joy at just being with that someone special? Do you then remember the joy it gave you to know that you made the other person feel that way? Doesn't that other person still deserve to feel that way? Don't you? There is a feeling of 'giving up' about the whole idea, that I don't think is very healthy. Sometimes it actually IS better to give up, move on and try again. For everybody. Settling for OK is all very well and good I suppose, but can't I have AWESOME instead? Just chucking Miss Cynicism out the door for a sec, OK sometimes there is a time to stick with it too. Recognising the difference is another one of those save-you-a-lot-of-grief moments.

"...I know you're an emotional girl
It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world..."

I've wandered away from the issue of trust a bit. Gosh imagine, ME, wandering off topic. Pfft.
I actually DID lose my faith in this world. And it took quite a lot of unusual things for me to gain even a small piece of it back. It took a ridiculously decent man, a ridiculously shy man, and a lot of rediscovering the concept of fun. I am still extremely gun shy. It may not appear so to the untrained eye. But if you were paying attention you might notice that with very very VERY limited exceptions I am only letting people get close who were ALREADY close. Whom I already trust, and who have given me no reason to doubt them. There was a dark patch for a while there were even those (un)lucky few wouldn't have got close. I trusted no one. Except Kitty. At no point in any of this did I allow myself to fail my relationship with her. She is a fairly amazing kid. Yes, I know I'm duty bound to say that or some shit. No actually, even with my kid I call a spade a spade. She is an amazing kid. Possibly a little jaded in places - for her age, she didn't come out of the angst pit without scars either. In fact I should be saying an amazing young lady. A child she is, no longer. She has been a large part of the restoring of my faith in the people around me. And she's very very good for me. Because she too calls a spade a spade. She pulls me up when I'm being excessively dick-like.

"...It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed..."

It really is. And this is what it felt like. I was always afraid, of every new situation. And the slightest setback was like a whole new betrayal. I'm still a bit afraid. Just not as much, and I'm more willing to fight to overcome the fear. In certain circumstances anyway. In a couple of cases, I am quite deliberately letting fear drive. Because the alternative is. Not better. Thanks for that line Jorma.
So, what am I getting at? I don't fucking know. Think twice before you entirely ass up a relationship with your selfish disregard? Possibly something like that, but really I'm mostly just getting stuff off my brain. As is often the case with these outbursts.

"...So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust..."

The heart you fool around with belongs to another human being.
Don't be a dick.

Peace. Out.