Post Feminist Dystopia or some crap

*contains swearing and rage, images may offend. They certainly made me pretty cross.

My daughter brought to my attention a wild flailing *discussion* of feminism on a local event page... I went to look at it with some trepidation because when I'm not already angry I can usually manage to remember NOT TO READ THE COMMENTS. But she was right, this was worth my attention, though I only made it through maybe half of it before my eye started twitching and I was forced to have a quiet sit down and some tea. PEOPLE ARE STUPID FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS.

I am a feminist. Or as I've mentioned before an everything-ist, but for the sake of today's outburst, I AM A FEMINIST. I am not a *feminazi* and though I grasp where people are coming from with that term I wish they would LEAVE IT OUT. Because this kind of thing shouldn't be identified by its extremists. Every group has its extremists. Can we just call them extremists and not give them special powers by granting them a magic title? I don't like feminist extremists either. I think they are performing a hatchet job on the movement, just like all the other extremists do. They undermine the ability to get anything FUCKING DONE. 

So here I was, on a facebook event page, approaching with caution. The first few entries seemed OK... Then... BAM. I knew before I even started reading the comments on it, that I'd found the entry that had raised my girl's concerns. Because as relatively benign as the initial entry was I could see it was going to both polarise people AND bring the crazies out of the closet. On both sides. 

Let's wade in. What's the difference between a man in public with no shirt, and a woman in public with no shirt? To be clear, nipples out boys and girls. IS there something inherently different about a woman's chest that makes it sensible that the law tends to not give a fuck that the guys has his shirt off but will arrest the woman for indecent exposure? This was where this one started off. If you can't already picture where it's going then you are probably already further from the middle of the argument than I like to be. I don't even care about the initial argument. It took about three seconds for this to turn into RABID feminist extremist versus RABID anti-feminist extremist, and when a bit further along a fucking MRA joined in it was all just doomed. Right. I'll slap myself now. I PROBABLY shouldn't say fucking MRA - some of the points the less extreme versions make are quite valid. MRA for those of you late to the party stands for Men's Rights Activist. And because to an awful lot of people, the very idea that men actually need a rights movement for their very own is pretty ridiculous, they very much START at the rabid end of the scale. The non-rabid ones call themselves humanists, or equalists or something that doesn't sound like big crying babies. Yeah, OK I have a problem with the men's rights activists. Here's the first thing this one posted. I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.

*FYI: This appears to actually have little if anything to do with Dr. Kimmel. The quote is his, nothing else is as far as I can tell. The only *source* I've been able to find for it is a dubious looking website that posts any old crap. But as you can imagine, douchebags gonna douche...

The text is quite tiny, I'll elucidate for funsies. It's a list. Of things that apparently women have as privilege over men. Some of them while technically accurate, it would be hard to call actual privilege. "Women live longer"... yup that's right we do, on average, live longer. What's your point? "Less work-related injuries"... also true. That this is at least partially because we are limited in the jobs that people will give us is irrelevant, apparently. 

One of my personal favs... "Emotional encouragement"... wait, what? Isn't that, that stuff that you tell us is bullcrap? Isn't that, that thing you throw in our faces when we cry during an argument? Isn't that, that thing you tell us boys need a Father figure for so they can AVOID it? I totally WANT men to be raised with emotional encouragement and support. You have no idea. I PREFER men who are in touch with their emotions. Men who are all fucking locked up inside are HARD WORK. And I DO work at it. I've been unlocking men's feelings for all of my adult life. Or trying to anyway. Friends and lovers. Because it's fucking tedious trying to communicate openly with someone who doesn't show you what they feel. 

I'm pretty fond of "Less often admonished by teachers" as well. Because boys are raised to be wolves. Women are raised to not stand up for themselves, to not be rude, to be NICE. That that happens to benefit us during school is pretty fucking irrelevant when I can't convince my boss to pay me the same wage as the douche in the next office. 

There are things on this list that I agree with. "Men don't get a fair deal in family court". (though not for the reasons this douchebag brought up) Women are almost always given custody of the kids. Basically, the mother has to be verifiably fucked up to not get custody. Even when it makes more sense for the kids to go with Dad. 

The massive toolbox who brought this list up seems to be not from NZ (I mention this because the rest of his ranting about family court stuff was utterly not NZ-y) - which is interesting because this was an NZ event and he clearly came looking for a fight. He's probably friends with the less crazy extremist I guess. I'd hate to think he just cruises the internet looking for these arguments. Though I know some people do. Some of what's on the list isn't really relevant to NZ... so I'll choose to ignore it.  

"Draft immunity"... well, I do disagree with it. But as long as the Armed Forces are still clinging to the concept of no women in battle this is unlikely to change. Not to mention there's a biological reason for it - NO I DON'T MEAN WOMEN ARE TOO WIMPY FOR WAR - I mean, if you kill off 80% of the most viable men, the population can still recover reasonably because WOMEN HAVE BABIES. If you kill off 80% of the viable women you are in real trouble. To put that utterly bluntly. The spoodge from one guy can make many women pregnant. The uterus from one woman cannot carry many babies. At least not at once. This is one of those inequities that is probably going to have to wait for science to catch up before we can fix it. When we can grow babies entirely without using lady bodies we'll all fight together. I'm pretty sure all the babies in jars stuff is going to raise some really LOUD religious arguments. But I'll be happy to yell about that too. And we all get to have lots and lots and lots of sexy times unhampered by damned inconvenient pregnancies. WOOHOO. And who said women don't really like sexy times? I didn't give it up because I didn't like it - it was the other stuff that was breaking me apart. 

But a lot of that list is just BOLLOCKS. It's made up BS that actually has more to do with women not being treated as equals than it does with anything else. If you actually look at each thing a large portion of them are bad rewrites of things we want to change BECAUSE; FEMINISM. BECAUSE; EQUALITY. "Expected to take an easier job" That sounds like a BAD thing to me. I don't want an easier job. I want a challenging job. I want an exciting job. 

"Hypergamy" WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Did this thing ACTUALLY just use a big word to call us GOLD DIGGERS? Mother fucking hell. I literally CAN NOT. If I even start on this one I will be here all day and be swearing even more than I usually do. So I will limit myself to just saying FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON. 

But look the madness doesn't all come from one side. Or does it? Because I sincerely hope that this next piece is a douche of a man pretending to be a BATSHIT CRAZY woman. BATSHIT. CRAZY. You can't have a Tumblr page called "Castrate All Men" and not be certifiable. Thanks for not helping the cause in anyway you insane bitch. This was posted by the same muppet MRA who posted the list. Because he was "proving" that feminists are mental. 

This is *totes* bizarre. And I am anything but OK with it. The suggestion that someone who TRIGGERS your memories of an assault is also assaulting you is just SO. MUCH. BULLSHIT. I've had to read through a number of posts on this horrible Tumblr to just assure myself that if it is a fake account or "satire" or something it's very very weirdly done. It appears legit. Which makes me want to throw up a bit. Because this wasn't even the craziest thing in there. Don't go looking, just take my word for it. BATSHIT. 

OK IF, maybe IF someone triggered you ON PURPOSE there is a case for some form of crime - I'm not sure what it would technically be, but I can see the case there. But what she describes here is so much bullshit I'm surprised she could dig her way out of it. WTF? BATSHIT. This is the sort of mad ass Misandrist who is completely fucking up equality for everyone. Because who the fuck can take this seriously? And because douchenozzles like the MRA dude will try to tar us all with the same brush. 

For everyone's sake, ladies try to stay sane in your search for equality. Asking for more than equal is douchery. Asking for the systematic dismantling of the male of the species is completely BATSHIT. I don't hate men. Most of my best friends are men. I'm looking for equality here, not some crazy feminist dystopia. I have suspicions that a Matriarchy might be a nice thing to try. But it might turn out to be just as stupid and fucked up as Patriarchy. Can we just run things together? Please? 

Because all this stupid fighting about it achieves very little. But feminists can't stop fighting yet because we haven't achieved equality yet. We've made some big steps. And there are a lot of brilliant, fantastic men on board. Men who see the insidious sexism that goes on every day and want to HELP, want to step up and make it right. AND I LOVE THEM. But then there's the pile of disenfranchised men, who feel like they've lost something AND IT ISN'T FAIR. I'm sorry guys, but what you had before wasn't fair. We're working on fair - and to be completely honest about it, some of you ARE going to suffer for it. Because women are going to be applying for the same jobs as you, and some of them are going to be BETTER than you, but that's actually FAIR. So suck it up and accept it the way you have to when another man gets the job ahead of you. Because it's the same thing. 

Like so many other bigots, you're a dying breed. This is no kind of threat, it's just attrition. The next generation is less douchebaggy about all manner of inequalities. And I love them for it. Each passing generation is an improvement over the last. Like it or not we will achieve equality. Thanks to the kids. 

Peace. Out.

Gender politics and the bathroom

Brought to you by the letters A & Hole. Rich with sarcasm.

Look, I know sexual/gender politics is a touchy subject. People get all uptight when we start talking about naughty bits, and all confused when you bring up the idea that maybe their idea of 'normal' might not be the only option. 

Today we discussed the subject of toilet choices appropriate for transgender persons. Because of a newspaper article quoting a guy who thinks the idea of letting transgender people use the bathroom of the gender they feel themselves to be is wrong. See here.

This article was specific to schools - and as a parent I can understand why these things are worrying to parents. The idea that we might screw up our kids is a constant dread. This particular subject seems very straightforward to me - and I'm 100% positive my daughter would agree entirely. A trans-girl is a girl and if there is a gender specific bathroom she should be able to use the GIRLS bathroom. The same applies for a trans-boy. They are a BOY. Gender is in the brain, and I count myself fortunate that the gender in my brain matches the genitalia I have been provided with. It is not so simple for everyone, and why the hell does everyone have to get so bloody uptight about it? I'm really at a loss to untangle the reasoning behind the concern. When you go to the bathroom do you also worry that there might be someone gay in there with you? If you do, you probably need to get over yourself a bit. Is there some kind of weird distortion in your head (and trust me, it's in YOUR head) that tells you that people who are outside your limited version of 'normal' are somehow creepy by default? Boys, is it about someone who might have a vagina potentially seeing your penis? Because besides the urinal I'm not really sure where what you have in your pants is actually relevant to the bathroom experience. I'm not there for the contents of YOUR undies.

In the bathroom I am generally not there to look at peoples bits. And if I am I probably have more to worry about than who's bits I'm looking at, also the fact that I'm looking is MY problem not the person I'm looking at. If you're worried that someone is looking at you in the bathroom then report them - it still isn't their gender that is the issue. 

A lot of men's bathrooms have urinals - I can see where this is causing an issue for some people, disconnecting yourself from the idea that the trans-boy maybe has a vagina and is somehow going to be obsessing over your penis while you're having a pee could certainly be a problem, FOR YOU. Try coming to grips with the idea that he's a boy and probably isn't that fascinated by your penis - unless he's also gay, but again it's not his GENDER that's the issue there, and any number of other men in the bathroom could also be gay AND have a penis. I suggest you just stop thinking about it, it'll make you blind.

I like the idea of Unisex bathrooms. I don't see the need for separating the genders as much as we do. I think we would go a long way further towards genuine equality in this and so many other things if we just stopped separating so much stuff out. What if we just stopped having a mens bathroom and a womens bathroom, we just have one big bathroom. Scrap the urinals, all cubicles. Sanitary disposal in each and every one. A reasonable number of wheelchair capable stalls. And baby change tables. Tampon/pad dispensers right out there in the open where people can learn to deal with the idea that menstruation is just a bodily function. A few people argued that kids might be 'confused' by the idea of a unisex bathroom. How? No seriously, in what way is this confusing? Do they use gender specific bathrooms at home? Probably not. Kids know what toilets are for better than adults do. It's adults that tend to do things in them that aren't actually toilet specific. My experience of children is that they are far more open to peoples differences than adults are - kids develop their hang-ups as a result of growing up. Growing up without them seems like a much better plan to me.

One of the reasons I'm so passionate about education is that I believe that most of the worlds ills can be solved by making a better job of raising the next generations. If we raise our children to respect each others differences, to have tolerance for others opinions, to be willing to listen and discuss not just stick their fingers in their ears and expect their way all the time then maybe we can all make some better decisions. So I think Unisex bathrooms is a good plan.

If it's all happening in a cubicle what difference does it make who's in there? 

I can see where changing rooms are more of a problem. I don't think they should be, but that's a whole other discussion. They are a problem and they will be a much trickier one to solve. But transgender is not the ONLY issue with changing rooms - many people are uncomfortable with changing in front of other people anyway. I've seen some pretty spectacular meltdowns in changing rooms because someone was uncomfortable about stripping in front of others and some staff member was utterly insensitive. So shouldn't we ALREADY have some private cubicles? Because mental health and wellbeing is important. If there's IS an option for people who are uncomfortable with changing in front of others, then just extend that to people who would otherwise have to change in a room that either isn't appropriate for them OR makes others uncomfortable by their presence. I want the universe to grow up, but I'm realistic about this happening overly quickly.

So here's what I think the answer is. Not what I expect the answer to be, but what I, personally, think the best solution is. Unisex toilet facilities, utilising ALL stalls (no urinals) with full length doors (those fucking short doors in school toilets are unbelievably demeaning - try sending an adult to one of those and see how they react) since adults seem to want real privacy in the bathroom why aren't kids granted this? And yes I mean it about having sanitary item dispensers in all bathrooms. This one came up for me on a discussion of the news article where someone suggested that women needed more privacy in bathrooms, because periods. Seriously. Because periods. I buy tampons and pads over the counter at the supermarket from both complete strangers and people I know quite well from my neighbourhood. I bleed once a month like most women do. Sometimes I need to change a tampon or pad in a public bathroom, and I have never felt in the least self conscious about the idea and since it's all in a cubicle - who bloody cares?? Yes I know that some people are more self conscious about it, and that girls are sometimes a bit embarrassed when Aunt Flow first comes a'calling but again I'm pretty sure this is a product of social conditioning. It doesn't have to be awkward, and I actually think young ladies are getting less and less concerned about such things - I think teens in general are getting far more upfront and unconcerned by all sorts of issues, which I think is bloody fantastic. Do guys get embarrassed about shaving? Then piss off, I'm not getting embarrassed about bleeding. 

Maybe we should ask teens what they think about all this. Because they're actually closer to the issue than us elderly folk, and attitudes HAVE changed. From what I hear from both my daughter and her friends, and from my own transgender friends the majority are not terrifically worried about the issue, at least not enough to actually say or do anything horrid. At my daughters school what might be considered as the disabled toilets have been more sensibly tagged as 'unisex' and anyone can use them. Though from what I hear the trans girls use the girls bathroom and the trans boys use the boys bathroom and no one seems very worried about it. 

At the same time, leave the changing rooms as they are, have private cubicles for those situations that warrant it, that are completely separate from the gendered changing rooms (yes this matters - otherwise the shy or trans or whatever kids STILL have to go into a choice of room and are still stigmatised), and I'll keep hoping for a day when we don't need to segregate anymore. 

Peace. Out.

* Another post I made about transgender issues a bit over a year ago here

Which way to the Trans bathroom?

*DISCLAIMER - I'm not an expert on transgender politics. No offence is intended. You know, unless you're a douchebag.


Gender is in the brain. This is a hard concept for many to understand, as it goes against what most of us think we know about human gender. But more and more science is coming to understand that the important bit is in your head not your genitalia. For most of us, this is a moot point – I think I’m a girl, and you see a girl. I’m a girl. Easy. But what happens when the inner and outer don’t match? If you understand that your gender is inside your brain, then you should be able to see that given the vagaries of genetics sometimes someone will be born without a correctly matched set. Like sometimes people are born with the wrong number of toes, or two different coloured eyes. Things are not always the way we expect them to be, and transgender is no different – except that it’s invisible. And gets close to sex and sexuality, so it’s all icky and difficult. AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

So before you go judging someone for an existence that you don't understand, take a step back and think about how it might feel to be that kind of different. The kind of different that 'normal' people are at a loss to understand at all. THERE IS NO NORMAL. Trust me, no matter how normal you think you are, someone out there thinks you're a freak.

*wandering off course for an example* I have a friend, who is deeply Christian (in that unbelievably annoying holier than thou kind of way) she's nice enough most of the time. Then she says things like "I just wish everyone was normal like me". And I'm forced to explain reality to her. She is a narrow minded bigot. Who actually believes that believing in God makes it all ok. For her, being a Christian is a licence to commit whatever douchebaggery takes her fancy, as long as she thinks God agrees with her. And telling her that her idea of God makes me glad I'm an atheist just makes her sad for my immortal soul. As the number of topics I simply will not discuss with her grows I spend less time bothering to find space for her in my life.

But it's not about sex. And it's REALLY not about sexuality. It's about how we perceive ourselves and how others perceive us. I have it pretty easy. I know I'm a girl on the inside, most people see a girl on the outside. But growing up it wasn't always like that. I was kind of a tomboy, I liked my hair short, I played rugby and I didn't like to hang around with the other girls. I hated skirts. I lived in shorts and T-shirts. It wasn't about sexuality at all. It was about me being comfortable. It wasn't anything to do with gender either, except the piece of me that saw that boys got to have sensible hair cut and wear comfortable clothes and I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't too. I guess I have it lucky there too, I don't really give a damn what anyone else thinks about my decisions. I can thank my father for that. Among other things.

But when I got older, it got a hell of a lot more obvious I was a girl no matter what I wore and no matter how short my hair was.

It's been shorter.

So I have it easy. I know who I am, and so do you. But for many it isn't that easy. I want you to try a little thought exercise: Imagine that tomorrow morning you wake up and you're Chinese. (I apologise for this arbitrary choice, I am aiming for a group whose culture and race are far different from my own - should Chinese be an inappropriate choice for you, please choose another.)

But it's more complicated than that. On the outside you're Chinese, but on the inside you're the same as you were yesterday. And you don't really understand Chinese. Your brain knows what all the words are but they just don't make proper sense to you. Worse and worse, no matter what you try to do about it people just keep treating you like you're Chinese. Uncomfortable yet? Of course you are, because NO ONE likes being treated like something they are not. Even when it's a pretty innocuous seeming thing like being expected to want to play with dolls when you like rugby.

Everyone is different. Sometimes a person’s difference is harder to understand but that is not even in the same ball park as being wrong. That way madness lies.

When I meet intolerance in my life, I try to meet it with understanding. I try to get people to look at their prejudice from a different direction. Because everyone has something that makes them uncomfortable. And nobody wants to be uncomfortable. Sometimes understanding your douchebaggery only comes when you understand how it might be applied to YOU.

So try stopping and imagining your opinion being applied to you before you go sticking your size twelves in. You are not obliged to agree with a persons lifestyle, but try not to be a dick about it.

Peace. Out.

Recognizing your fucktardiness - 5 steps to a better you.

Actually the 5 steps part is a lie. Genuine fucktards don't want to get better, and pretend ones can change in an instant.

*I am a fucktard myself from time to time. Usually because I am amused by some repetitive behaviour that offers a little cheap entertainment. You know what I'm talking about.

I've just cracked open a bottle of wine, so this one should be either punchier, meaner or stupider in fairly short order. :)

I am deeply disppointed by humanity at the moment. I have some quite good reasons not to be, but I'm choosing to ignore them in favour of the very annoying behaviour I have been a witness too lately. I have had to say 'WTF is wrong with you????!' too many times to ignore. I told you the story of the fucktard and the burnt finger, I have a million more. Oh the finger is so badly burnt it doesn't hurt! There's a big white strip of DEAD across it. LOL.

So you think you might be a fucktard? Early warning signs are:

-thinking your funny even though everyone looks at you like you have a cuckoo coming out of your head when you crack a joke.

-your employees all pull the finger at you behind your back (you can get a special mirror to check for this).

-your colleagues 'forget' to invite you to drinks.

-people you know cross the street to avoid you.

-people you don't know cross the street to avoid you.

Things you can do to avoid being a Fucktard:

-THINK before you act!

-Never forget that DOG is watching you

-Imagine a giant Penis, now merge yourself into that image. AND JUST STOP WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING DOING YOU BIG COCK!

There are some fairly basic rules that people should follow, but seldom do. As much as I am not a big old bible basher, the golden rule is as appropriate as it has ever been. Treat people as you would want to be treated yourself. Seriously this is not a hard concept to wrap your head around surely. At the very least you should be able to grasp the fairly simple premise that 'if I go around being a total psycho fucktard to everyone, what motivation do they have to give the smallest crap about being decent to me?'

So, rules:

-If you're in management try to remember that the people under you are still PEOPLE, and that revolution is still a viable form of protest. (there boys, I slagged the management, happy now?)I could get personal here but I'm fighting that part of myself. Let me just say, if you're running the ship never forget that the little people do all the boring crapwork that you don't wanna. Fuck them off enough and guess who gets stuck with it?

-My personal favourite. NO means NO. It doesn't mean 'please feel free to continue pawing at me', it doesn't mean 'Maybe later'. It means NO. It sometimes means FUCK OFF! An addition to this is: Boys are also allowed to say NO.

-GAY is not a term of abuse. Ever.

-Everyone has their own opinions. Discuss them, share them, be proud of them. Just don't expect to change MY mind, because YOU believe it's so.

You know what I could go on forever, but I'd much rather that other people added their own 'rules'.

Wil Wheaton says "Don't be a Dick"

Peace. Out.

(This post was copied across from the facebook notes I used to rant into - your desire to know about burnt fingers may never be satisfied... unless I copy that one over too.)