Wednesday, February 15, 2012

A matter of trust.

In the past I've had trust broken. Smashed. MUNTED. It's not been an easy thing rebuildng it, I still have a very long way to go.

I have also been a part of breaking someone elses trust. For which I am still unable to forgive myself. It's not a mistake I intend to repeat.

I'm borrowing heavily in quotes from Billy Joel's song "A Matter of Trust", because some of the lines are outrageously fitting.

Trust, if it's broken, it's the hardest thing in the world to repair.

Every positive relationship in your life is built on trust. From the relationships you have with your family, your friends, your co-workers right through to the relationship you have with your partner.

In the course of your life, it's pretty much bound to get broken a few times. If you're lucky it won't be the all-consuming 'oh my god my life is OVER' wangst overload of betrayal that many get to endure. Or maybe not, because I'm pretty sure that the rage filled angst of several years of recovery from such an event has made me a much better person. Certainly one who is infinitely less likely to be willing to inflict that feeling on anyone else.

Sometimes we walk into a relationship carrying the baggage of previous angst filled experiences. Trust is broken before we even start. Sometimes our new relationship doesn't deserve that trust (looks at the ground and turns slightly pink), but often it has nothing at all to do with the new but is all about the past. Hardly fair, but also hardly surprising. We are creatures built of our pasts. We are the sum total (and more) of our learning experiences. If some of those experiences left us raw, it's hardly surprising when that affects our future decisions.

"...You can't go the distance
With too much resistance..."

Too true Billy. It's ok to walk into a new situation with a certain amount of trepidation. Pretty normal actually. But if it continues to be an issue it will eventually become a thorn. At some point you have to relax and accept the new situation. If you can't trust someone, what are you doing with them anyway? Is it something they're doing or is it you?

"...I can't offer you proof
But you're going to face a moment of truth..."

In every new relationship there will at some time come a leap of faith. When you can jump with both feet from the precipice and cross your fingers. If you fail at this hurdle the time has come to ask yourself, why? What stopped me from jumping? I can't tell you to jump. I won't tell you to jump. But I will tell you that knowing why you didn't might just save you a whole lot of angst, hurt and time wasted. Time wasted? Yep. Because if you know that the reason why you didn't jump is because you just can't trust the other person, then you can pull the rip cord now. Get out now. Before it comes to the bitter recriminations part of the play. Here I really do know that of which I speak. I have been the one yelling 'well if you can't bloody trust me WHAT IS THE POINT?!!?' The one who has decided 'fuck it, if he's going to believe I'm betraying him right, left and centre I might as well at least be enjoying it.' Which is incidentally the point at which I should have left. Having figured out that he was never going to believe me no matter what I did, I should have pulled that rip cord and got the hell out of dodge. But I let 'but, I love you' sway me. He didn't love me, he wanted to trap me. He wanted me to belong to him, that isn't love.

"...Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control..."

If you need your partner to do it your way all the time, you are... DOING IT WRONG!
Your partner comes to you with their own needs. Their own background. Their own friends. Their own baggage. Trying to make them fit into your life and leave none of their own - well actually it makes no sense to me. By all means, involve them in things you do if they want to. But at the same time involve yourself in their life where they want you to. Sure I hope you like my friends. I also hope your friends like me. But making you trash your friends because YOU'RE WITH ME NOW! That's actually pretty sick. If you like someone, why are you so hell-fired to change them? Sure in every relationship there is a bit of giving up of stuff. In a reasonable world this works from both sides. Because: News Flash, NO ONE IS PERFECT. Those irritating little flaws of theirs? You have flaws equally as irritating. If you want them to be willing to give up something of theirs, doesn't it actually make sense to go to the table willing to give up something of your own? You don't have to be a selfish bastard. As much as we are kind of preprogrammed to it, we don't HAVE TO be dicks.

"...Some love is just a lie of the mind
It's make believe until its only a matter of time..."

Sometimes we invent a relationship that isn't even really there. I'm a hopeless romantic, I invent stuff all the time. The trick is knowing that it's just an invention. Your partner is who they are, not what you pretend they are. If what they are isn't enough for you - or is just plain not right for you. Leave. Now. Yes, I am a cynical bitch. Now, LEAVE. Before everybody gets hurt. This has been your *rip the bandaid off* moment for today.
Sometimes we even invent feelings we aren't actually having. I have been known to wonder if, if we pretend long enough does it become the reality? Maybe sometimes it does. But I think more likely it just becomes the status quo. A stale relationship that doesn't even mean anything but is easier to be in than to get out of. Wow. I am just MADE of cynicism. Which leads me to...

"...Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start..."

Happens all the time. Fireworks in the sky, turn to damp squibs when left under the staircase. This is not a reference to Harry Potter. Not all staircases are ones the Chosen One has lived under, and not all squibs are the magically under endowed.

"...And they may not want it to end
But it will it's just a question of when..."

Relationships often sputter and die. Just as often we stick with the cold ashes, because they're comfortable. Or because chucking them out is really uncomfortable. Sooner or later you would be well advised to chuck those things away. Because you both deserve better. You remember that feeling of joy at just being with that someone special? Do you then remember the joy it gave you to know that you made the other person feel that way? Doesn't that other person still deserve to feel that way? Don't you? There is a feeling of 'giving up' about the whole idea, that I don't think is very healthy. Sometimes it actually IS better to give up, move on and try again. For everybody. Settling for OK is all very well and good I suppose, but can't I have AWESOME instead? Just chucking Miss Cynicism out the door for a sec, OK sometimes there is a time to stick with it too. Recognising the difference is another one of those save-you-a-lot-of-grief moments.

"...I know you're an emotional girl
It took a lot for you to not lose your faith in this world..."

I've wandered away from the issue of trust a bit. Gosh imagine, ME, wandering off topic. Pfft.
I actually DID lose my faith in this world. And it took quite a lot of unusual things for me to gain even a small piece of it back. It took a ridiculously decent man, a ridiculously shy man, and a lot of rediscovering the concept of fun. I am still extremely gun shy. It may not appear so to the untrained eye. But if you were paying attention you might notice that with very very VERY limited exceptions I am only letting people get close who were ALREADY close. Whom I already trust, and who have given me no reason to doubt them. There was a dark patch for a while there were even those (un)lucky few wouldn't have got close. I trusted no one. Except Kitty. At no point in any of this did I allow myself to fail my relationship with her. She is a fairly amazing kid. Yes, I know I'm duty bound to say that or some shit. No actually, even with my kid I call a spade a spade. She is an amazing kid. Possibly a little jaded in places - for her age, she didn't come out of the angst pit without scars either. In fact I should be saying an amazing young lady. A child she is, no longer. She has been a large part of the restoring of my faith in the people around me. And she's very very good for me. Because she too calls a spade a spade. She pulls me up when I'm being excessively dick-like.

"...It's hard when you're always afraid
You just recover when another belief is betrayed..."

It really is. And this is what it felt like. I was always afraid, of every new situation. And the slightest setback was like a whole new betrayal. I'm still a bit afraid. Just not as much, and I'm more willing to fight to overcome the fear. In certain circumstances anyway. In a couple of cases, I am quite deliberately letting fear drive. Because the alternative is. Not better. Thanks for that line Jorma.
So, what am I getting at? I don't fucking know. Think twice before you entirely ass up a relationship with your selfish disregard? Possibly something like that, but really I'm mostly just getting stuff off my brain. As is often the case with these outbursts.

"...So break my heart if you must
It's a matter of trust..."

The heart you fool around with belongs to another human being.
Don't be a dick.

Peace. Out.

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