Wednesday, February 15, 2012

He said, she said.

OK I've just been going on about communication and how important it is. Honesty, openess all that crap. And then I am reminded of the idea, by several completely different and unrelated events, of how important the perceptions of communication are. You say something, I hear it. And yet somehow in the split second of that apparently flawless communication, something gets lost in translation. You think you said exactly what you meant. I think I heard exactly what you said. And yet we are both on a different page.

A common example, and one that invariably leads to heart break. I'm chucking this one out there because it's bitten me more than once, and I'm prepared to bet I'm not the only one. You say "I love you", what you mean is "I love you right now" what I hear is "I love you forever". If you haven't been bitten by one side of it then maybe you've been bitten by the other side. The bit where you break someone’s heart because they thought you meant forever. I've probably done that too. Oh be honest, I KNOW I've done that and it doesn't make me feel very good about myself.

To be fair: I seriously doubt that very many people do it on purpose, I certainly didn't.

Everyday miscommunications happen. Because we aren't very careful with language. Because what we say is inevitably filtered through at least 2 brains, and no two are alike. We assume that when we say something screamingly obvious to us, it's screamingly obvious to everyone else too.

Sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes we blurt stuff out without really thinking about it, verbal ejaculate. And while most of the time this works ok, sometimes you end up getting spunk in someone’s hair - and most people don't like that. As with all ejaculation, more fun will be had by all if you exercise a little control. A little verbal tantric sex.

As with all things in life a little thought about how you would like people to speak to you if the positions were reversed doesn't go amiss. Not always foolproof, since for example I have a harder shell than most. What doesn't offend me might still rip your undies. So add a little 'what do I know about the person I'm talking to' into the equation. If you know that 'x' is a lot more sensitive than you are then tone yourself down accordingly. Keep to honesty and crap, just couch it in gentler language. If you know a specific subject makes someone nervous, be careful around it. It's pretty obvious when you think about it - how much do you like it when someone else is making you uncomfortable?

Which leads me back into sexual politics. Possibly not an obvious leap to everybody - but there’s another place where miscommunications happen. I was already thinking in that direction so I was easily lead there.

Let’s just leave established relationships out of this. I've kinda done that to death anyway. We know how much miscommunication annoys the crap out of me there :P

One of the most annoying things in the whole universe to me at the moment is MIXED FUCKING SIGNALS. When your actions don't match up with your language. Or your behaviour from one day to the next is just wildly different. OK you're not sure what you want. Tell me that. Instead of boring me senseless with constant changes in temperature. That was way less specific than it sounded ;) It may not even be about me .

Which leads me into an inevitable digression. The question Du Jour* - does being drunk make you do stuff you totally would never ever do normally, that you don't even have any interest in. Or does it just bring latent or repressed behaviour to the surface? Yes, yes alright there's a lot of room for grey area here. Just give me your thoughts and impressions. Anecdotes even if you like. I've done some fairly stupid things while drunk, but I'm not sure that they were 'out of character' stupid.

"Now, back to the good part." Mixed signals. It would be nice if people’s intentions were always clear, but they're not. However, sometimes they are way way way less clear than is technically acceptable. No means no, and yes mean yes. But there's this whole fuzzy area inbetween that can be very confusing. So if you have no intention of letting it get to the 'good part' then it's probably not a good plan to let it get to the hearts racing stage at all. All that fun extra blood flow for nothing. The hypocrite in me is hiding under a table right now. He'll be crawling under the back porch in a minute. Because the other side of this is: if you ARE interested in a little something more, you should probably get that out there - missed opportunities make me cringe. {Yes I have been spending a lot of time cringing lately, thank you shy guy}. I really should take my own advice here. But even my Shy Guy sends me mixed signals. 'Come here, Come here, Go away' bloody hell!

I have a story of mixed signals to share. I'm removing names, because I think I should. I don't want to get anyone in hot water, unless it's a spa pool. So. At a party, nice time being had - both people have been drinking and are probably at similar states of drunkenness. Not massively pissed, just buzzed. So an incident occurs which leads to them sitting in a bedroom alone. Listening to music for entertainment, and talking. She's fooling around with his neck with one hand. He has her other hand held between his. What's the signals here people? Pretty low level stuff here, sorry to disappoint. I just find this one an interesting case study :P I can elaborate a little if asked. No further details, just go watch some porn if you're that desperate.

Peace. Out.

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