10 things I didn't want to learn...

... but you might as well get it over with.

1. No matter how much you care about someone, no matter how well you treat them - they still might turn around and treat you like garbage. There is no point in beating yourself up about it if they do. People sometimes do shitty things. Sometimes they don't even realise how shitty the things they do are. It hurts like shitty death when someone you loved and trusted pees on you from a great height, but the reality is, you didn't make them do it.

2. Ignoring your own feelings will never lead you anywhere good. Pretending you don't have them is even worse. Sometimes you can't or shouldn't act on your feelings. But you should always acknowledge them. As much as you don't want to do something inappropriate, pretending it isn't there is not the way to deal with it. There is nothing I am surer of than this, pretending you don't want to do something when you really do is a sure fire way to end up doing it. And then you end up feeling like a guilty tool, and you probably deserve to. Even if it's just a piece of chocolate cake calling to you.

3. A friend will tell you what you want to hear, a good friend will tell you what you NEED to hear. Don't punish them for telling you what you didn't want to know. Sometimes you have to tell someone something awful. You have reason to suspect that they are about to do something collosally stupid. An epic mistake, you know they are going to regret. Telling them is hard, because you know they aren't going to want to hear it. But if you love them you do it anyway. And then they go bananas and won't speak to you... don't be a dick. The people who love you enough to tell you when you're about to derp it up chronically, they're the ones you want to keep around.

4. It is never, ever to late to say "I'm sorry". Even if you think the other party doesn't want to hear it. Time passes and we talk ourselves out of apologising. They're over it now, it would just be bringing up water under the bridge. If it was crappy enough that you should have apologised for it, you still should.

5. If you think your partner might be cheating, don't just accept it when they swear they're not. I know this sounds like bitter old woman speak but listen to where this goes. If you have a trust issue with your partner, if you feel like they might be cheating or you feel like maybe they're heading in that direction: that feeling doesn't come from nowhere. That feeling does not necessarily mean that you're right and they are a cheating scumbag but it does mean that there is a problem in your relationship. Don't just brush it off.

6. Sometimes someone in your life is more trouble than they are worth. But sometimes the reverse is also true. Some people are worth even quite a lot of trouble.

7. Doing nice things for people in the hopes that they will do nice things for you often leads to disappointment. I'm not suggesting not bothering to do nice things for people, just do it without expectation. You'll be repaid in feeling better about yourself. And it makes those occasions when you are repaid in kindness, that much sweeter.

8. Douchebaggery should not be answered with more douchebaggery. It may make you feel better in the short term, but in the long term you just end up with a big pile of used feminine hygiene products. Wow. Gross. The point is still valid, even if I slipped in a horrible and weak gag.

9. The standards you hold yourself to are not a reflection of the way other people see you. It's the other way around.

10. The world is full of differing opinions, yelling "YOU'RE WRONG" at someone, has never worked. If you cannot have a rational discussion about your differences you should probably just shut up.

A beacon of hope

-This was originally written after a particularly crappy and yet brilliant day at my old work, at the Red Cross, helping get emergency grants paid to people after the Christchurch earthquake. I'm re-posting it because a lot of people appreciated it the first time around and I hope that more people will gain something from it now that it's in a more accessible place.-

Today was a weird day. I spent the day (not abnormally of late) handing out money as fast as I could to people who by and large, REALLY NEED IT. Most days it's a fantastic job. Today it was harder than average, but better than average. But today reminded me that there is good everywhere.

I think we've forgotten, or maybe we never realised, how damn LUCKY we were that day. I don't mean to make light of the terrible individual tragedies Christchurch suffered on the 22nd of February. I mean collectively, DAMN LUCKY. 12.51pm February 22nd 2011. Just think for a moment, if it had happened an hour and a half earlier or later. People were out of their buildings at lunch. It was a nice day, people were outside. School kids were outside eating. Playing. 90 minutes either way and people would have been back at work. Kids would have been back at their desks.

It was one of those slow starters, we had time to think 'another aftershock' and prepare ourselves. And it was ANOTHER aftershock. We had had so many by then we didn't panic nearly as much as we could have. Imagine if February had been the first one? We had some idea what to do. People knew if they were in a safe place they should stay put, and if they weren't they should get out. People who weren't freaking out stopped to assist the people that were. As the dust began to settle people immediately began to help were they could. I am so very proud of what so many of my fellow citizens did that day. And in the days that followed. Dark days they were, but filled with a constant reminder that humanity can be pretty together when it needs to be.

Before the Dust Settled

Photograph taken seconds after the February 22nd 2011 Earthquake

Credit: Gillian Needham.

People thought I was pretty together that day. Because as soon as the shaking stopped I emailed my sisters (I was well aware that the media liked to go freaking crazy very quickly) to let them know I was OK and on my way to find Kitty. When I got to Kitty's school people wanted to know what was in my pack. My big first aid kit, and my laptop. Apparently this represents organised. I just wasn't sure what I was going to find out there. I knew I would be passing the house of a friend, and I knew that house had not fared well in September's excitement. My backpack already had miscellaneous stuff in it 'just in case' and it was already by the front door. I grabbed what I grabbed because I didn't want to be unprepared. BUT before September, would I have thought of any of that stuff? Probably not. And I DID NOT FEEL IN THE LEAST BIT TOGETHER. I was freaking right out. My primary concern was getting to my kid and making sure she was ok. That included being prepared to deal with the situation if it was SHITTY.

As the news began to roll in of buildings falling and roads buckling, a feeling of silent horror began to descend. People simply could not believe what was happening. I don't know what it felt like on the east side of the city, where so much of the damage had occured. Different I bet. Much worse in many ways too. Most ways probably, I can't even pretend to understand how horrible it must have been, the sound of buildings breaking. The fear for your life. On the west side it was different. There wasn't very much damage, and the sense that so much had happened in other parts of the city was surreal. Hard to come to grips with. Hard to believe.

BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH MUCH WORSE.

People have expressed anger over building failures, and the slowness of the rescue efforts. Not very oddly, not so much of that complaining came from within Christchurch. We knew that that 'only a 6.3' was not only a 6.3. I remember standing in the doorframe of my kitchen as my house rocked around me, absolutely SURE this was worse than Septembers 7.1. I remember my shock when the number was announced. I think it's a miracle more structures didn't fall.

I lost a friend that day. I hadn't seen him for ages, but you people all know how I am. Once in my heart, always in my heart. His death was a shock to me. He died on the hills, in a rockfall on his way home after the main shock. If he hadn't stopped to ferry so many people who were on foot up the hill he'd be alive now. But the truth of the matter is he wouldn't be the man that the boy I knew so well grew into if he hadn't stopped for those people. He could not have done anything else.

He is a beacon of hope, like so many others were that day. Those who stopped and helped the people around them. Those that didn't hesitate to start lifting rubble from the smaller fallen buildings. Those who went out into their neighbourhoods to check on the people around them. Those who followed the words of the council and STAYED INSIDE if they didn't have anything specific to be doing. Every smallest act of kindness, every smallest act of bravery. Every smallest act of common sense. These all worked together to hold us all in one piece. Every tongue held because we all knew we were on the edge of boiling point.

Each and everyone of us that could have been a selfish wanker but chose instead to join together and help. We are all beacons of hope. And every little counts.

We have a long way to go. We are still a broken city, but we are on the mend. And for the most part people want to be a part of that. Most people want to help where they can. I am astonished every day by the random generosity of people. Whether it's the odd little donations of things that are dropped into the office 'for people who lost more than we did' or the person that I have to talk into taking a grant they're entitled to because 'there are people worse off than us'. Seriously, their house is falling apart around their ears and they don't want to take our money because someone else might need it more. It's so sweet and sad it's funny. And I hear it all the time. 'Oh no dear, we're not too bad really'. Your house floods every time it rains you say?

People. Can be awesome.

Peace. Out.

*I think I hate the "beacons of hope" BTW, the idea was there but it's copycatting and it wasn't really the morale boost those that are losing hope needed. 

Here they are for those of you who have no clue what these silly beacons are. Best photo I've seen of them, taken by a friend :) 

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=159606944125387&set=a.159606287458786.41558.100002282470326&type=3&theater

Human rights. The decent* of man.

-This is an old one copied over from facebook, but I'm reposting it and re-linking it all over the place because I think it's important.-

It was brought to my attention recently that the definition for 'Human Rights' is getting a bit cloudy. Maybe because people are more inclined these days to ask, and expect, to be treated equally regardless of their race, religion, sexuality, whatever.

Someone, in a postion of not insignificant authority, was suggesting that the subject of gay marriage had nothing to do with human rights. Someone needs to buy a dictionary I think. The argument actually ran more along the lines of human rights ONLY being about basic necessity. Food. Shelter. I guess someone better go tell Nelson Mandela. And Martin Luther King Jr. And the many, many thousands of others who have stood up for all kinds of rights that apparently don't count as human rights. WTF dude?

I can manage to agree that at the core of human rights are a bunch of things that everyone should expect to have access to with absolute disregard for any outside influence. That food and shelter stuff, that's not something we should even be arguing about. I don't think however that the fact that I don't need to be able to marry my girlfriend to live, stops it from being a human right issue that I be allowed to, should I so choose. Don't get your hopes up kids, I'm as straight as a poorly manufactured arrow.

I'm getting a bit fed up with all the debate over human rights. Why? Because it sickens me that people need to be told to treat each other with a modicum of respect. It flat out flabberghasts me that people don't grasp the fairly basic concept that turn about is fair play. Why the hell should I respect your lifestyles and credos if you aren't prepared to respect mine? That's not tricky right? I don't have to believe in your god to respect your right to, do I? No. Obviously not. So stop being a gigantic DERP about it and let me get on with my life. Not that anyone actually directly gets on their high horse at me - because I'm seldom stupid enough to tell anyone I think MIGHT. I have a couple of Christian friends who occasionally try to 'save my soul', I offend one quite regularly with my inability to grasp that there is anything wrong with it in the first place.

Certainly according to my own system of belief, I'm doing alright.

I think this over-prevalent attitude of  'my beliefs are right, therefore yours are unacceptable' is crazy. No, this is not a colloquialism. I mean crazy. Actual. Batshit. MENTAL. We have minds, we think, we have opinions. If we all agreed all the time, there would be little point in our having the capacity for debate. Why would it even have developed, if it wasn't useful for something? We're not MEANT to agree all the time, because we would get NOWHERE if we did. Without disagreement, that stick we first picked up to pick an ant out of a log would never have developed into a 27 tool pocketknife. That sits in a draw doing nothing.

Debate is an important part of development, and forcing a lack of debate will only hold us back. Sure there's a whole lot of development we could arguably have done without. But I'm quite fond of my laptop. As evidenced by my lying in bed with it propped up on a few books in my lap while I write this. And the zillion other rants I've written.

It's time, and well past time, humanity accepted its need for debate and accepted that being different is not the same as being wrong. We tell our children off for picking on each other for the little differences in their lives, and yet blithely ignore the gapping hypocrisy going on all around us. We expect our children to learn to be decent and fair human beings, while all around them they see inequity and outright hostility over differences much larger than the things they play at being little bastards over. What exactly are we teaching them?

I've very, very proud of my daughter**. She has an astonishing grasp of fairness, and a matching unwillingness to tolerate inequity around her. She stands up for her friends when they are bullied and, much harder, she stands up TO them when they're being dicks. I haven't had to steer her a lot, she was born this way. It's a pleasure watching her growing into an immensely lovable adult. Sometimes it amazes me how decent she is, given that she's had to grow up in a broken home (thankfully not very messily broken) with a sick mother who has very little extra energy most of the time. I suppose with a lack of physical energy I have put a lot more of my time into mental pursuit - we talk a lot. She's a smart kid, it's amazing to watch mental development in progress. Amazing to watch her thinking through complicated moral situations and come to her own conclusions. We don't always agree, but then I don't expect to.

Peace. Out.

*nope, that isn't a spelling mistake in the title ;)

** I don't mean to sound arrogant here, she is completely awesome. But I actually think she is 90% awesome just because of who she is. I didn't do it, her dad didn't do it, she just IS a very cool human being who's been allowed to develop her own coolness. That's the bit I got right.

It’s not about labels dammit, it’s about having a good time

Another post from the old facebook files :)

I'm not sure I'm in enough of a frothing rage about anything. But it was pointed out that I haven't ranted for a bit and that is simply not good enough!

There is something that's been sort of nagging at me a bit. Mostly because at a low level it combines almost all my peeves. It's all about perception.

I can't say I HATE labels, I use them often enough I can't really be that against them. But I hate labels as a hate device. Let’s pick one entirely not at random "I hate gays"... Really? Know all of them do you? And they're all complete bastards? With no redeeming features at all I expect. Baby eaters too I imagine. "That woman is a cougar"... Really? Because she's over 35 and not afraid of showing she still has a sexual side? If your evidence for the use of the label isn't pretty conclusive how about you just shut up!

I don't actually give much of a crap what people think of me, but I'm a pretty good example of mislabelling. Perceptions of me vary wildly, often based on how much not-at-a-party contact a person has had with me. Because at parties I'm _quite_ silly, and a bit of a 'slapper' (not actually an accurate description! Tease is possibly closer to the truth, but I feel I'd have to be significantly more attractive for that to be true too :P). But the chances that I'll actually 'go home with you' (euphemism - I mean fuck your brains out, obviously) are slim to non-existent. Really. There are _MAYBE_ three exceptions to the NoWayJose rule. And yet still I am given various epithets more suited to someone who hasn't been celibate for I don't even want to think about how long. !@#$%^&* years. ON PURPOSE. Assumptions. The mother of all fuckups.

Well looky there, I've started frothing.

I was gonna start into what I actually am, but you know what? If you haven't figured it out on your own, I probably don't want you too. Also I'm in such a negative headspace about myself at the moment I probably wouldn't say anything very endearing. {on that note: How the FUCK is it possible for me to have a size 10 waist and still only see a fat chick in the mirror (and worse in every recent picture of me!)??? I am fully aware of my tree trunk legs - fuck genetics right in the ear - but the rest of me is theoretically not too bad at the moment. Bollocks.}

This actually started because I'm irritated by the 'age disparity' arguement. I really hate being told I shouldn't be with someone because they're too old/young for me. Well actually not me personally*. But you know, anyone. Ok a 30 year old dating a 14 year old is fairly dodgy (aquaintance of my daughter, I do not want to think about it). But between consenting adults who the hell cares? Isn't it more important that the people involved have compatible personailities? And who the hell are YOU to judge anyway? It also gives me the screaming, raging, FROTHING heebie jeebies that it's more acceptable for an older guy to be dating a younger woman than the other way around. Cougar Rights Now!!

At the moment I'm 'interested' in two guys. They're both younger than me. SO SUE ME. Well there's Gary Sinise, he's much older but also much more married, in the wrong country and doesn't know me from a bar of soap. Go figure. Age is not a deciding factor, though there is a certain aspect of being 'able to keep up with me' {wink}. Also it would be really convenient if I could kinda squish both of them into a single entity, keeping the best aspects of both and discarding the douchebag bits. Mind you the talents each of them has in combination... I'd probably burst a fuse. If either of them ever figures out my 'other' weakness I am TOAST.{/wink}

But really. I love you both. Not like that. Unless you give me the opportunity. {titter}{/titter}

As long as no one is getting hurt, what difference do any of those stupid details matter? Age, orientation, race, religion whatever... surely what matters is finding someone you can talk to. Someone you WANT to spend your time with. Someone who makes you feel good. Someone who makes you happy. Someone you can have hot monkey sex with for the rest of your days.

Peace. Out.

* see 'celibate', muthafucka

Cause and effect. Seriously the maths isn't hard.

** This is an old post cut from my old stomping ground on facebook. The link address at the beginning no longer works but the article is now quite elderly and I wouldn't want to bash anyone with a stick over attitudes they MAY now have outgrown. In summary, horrid Republican asshat suggests homesexuality is worse than terrorism. *INSERT WORLD'S LARGEST EYEROLL*.

So you're an intolerant dick. See attached. http://bit.ly/oG7laO

Alright so, you're an intolerant dick in a position of relative authority. Even better. But have you REALLY thought about your position? Have you really considered the mind-numbing stupidity of touting your dark-age opinion so loudly? Where exactly do you think the terrorism you put in the backseat to the dreaded, dun-dun-dun, HOMOSEXUALITY (gasp) come from? Do you think these people got up one morning and thought 'hey I know, lets go and disrupt the lives of people we don’t know with acts of violence and terror'? NO.

These things start with INTOLERANCE. So, you know, by all means continue - because the concept of a fabulously dressed army of homosexuals blowing up poorly designed coffee shops and gunning down frumpily dressed right wing douchebags is not that unappealing to me. {Dear Army of the Gay, I am not advocating acts of hilarious violence, I am making an off-colour joke.}.

So while you're busy advocating a return to the burn-them-at-the-stake mentality of old. Think for just one moment about the other side of the coin. In your intolerance and injustice are you not, at least a little bit, saying that intolerance and injustice are OK? If it's OK for you to try force people to your will why, exactly, is it not OK for others to try to force you to theirs? Aren't you advocating exactly the kind of action that leads to that which you revile?

Please bother to research your intolerance better before you broadcast it to the world. Blaming the AIDS epidemic on the Gay population is patently stupid. The Gay population was hit harder in the beginning, but the vast majority of the problem has always been with thoughtless idiots who take no care for themselves or others in their choices. Those people are sadly in all walks of life. Do you have something else you'd like to spuriously blame on another minority group? I see you've already hit the Coloured folk with the 'lazy' stick. Maybe you'd like to blame the poor for cluttering up the streets of perfectly nice cities with their crap housing?

Honestly it's people like you who make this world a shitty place to live in. Before you start wailing on other peoples standards, maybe it's time you examined your own.

Peace. Out.

-I went on a brief odyssey (google search) of this woman, and it shocked me more than any other one human being has managed to. That this woman holds authority anywhere is appalling to me. No one with these kinds of attitudes should hold any kind of power. This way lies madness.

The brief history of a moment

I had a lot of time to think today, I mostly spent it thinking about how sick of being in a crappy mood I am – writing more directly about it the other day did help to get a bunch of this anger and disillusionment out of my head, many thanks to all those who read it and then talked with me about it later. It’s still bugging me quite a lot, but there’s not a lot I can do about. It makes me sad to have lost two worthwhile people over basically nothing.

So, anyway, I was at work and thinking of something to write about. I’m bored with writing about things that fill me with rage, even if writing it all down does usually empty the rage out of me too. An idea occurred to me, which I hope other people may pick up on (but I won’t hold my breath, link it to me in the comments if you decide to do it – and are ok with me reading it :P). I was thinking about good things that have happened in my life. And after a long and twisted train of thought came to this…

Sometimes things happen to us that will stick with us for the rest of our lives, fleeting moments that grab our attention so completely that they become Technicolor memories, memories we can call to mind so vividly it’s almost like living through them again. Not always good memories, there are shadows lurking in my head, but always important. I’m going to tell you about one so vivid to me that my heart flutters thinking about it. Residual memory makes the sensations of touch as real as they were in those few seconds. I hope that maybe others will be inspired to share their own moments. This particular one makes me shake all over when I recount it. I was shaking like a leaf when it happened.

A kiss for the ages:

I was watching ‘How I met your Mother’ the other day and they talked about the drum roll before a kiss. They’re not all like that, but when they are {swoon}. This was one of those things that had been lurking for ages, months of circling each other. Never quite getting close enough. This night should have gone badly, I was not happy with him, he’d been a dick lately. But all evening things kept pushing us closer and closer together, until finally we were sitting side by side, arms around each other. And I was as nervous as hell, I just had no idea what was going on here. He’d been so ‘come here, come here, go away’ for so long that I didn’t want to make any move myself. I wanted him to be responsible for whatever happened. I’m not always all that clever OK.

How we came to be face to face, just millimetres apart, I don’t really remember. But there we were, frozen for a moment, not quite touching. He leaned just a little forward, so our noses are pressed lightly together. He gently rubs his nose along the length of mine, and I respond in kind. As we move our lips are brought together, tingling and afraid to go further I freeze again but his lips are very gently kissing mine and for a moment I forget everything else, my lips begin to move too. Slow and careful: no lust, all passion. Tongue moving lightly over lips, teeth gently nibbling. The whole universe completely vanished. And as our lips finally came apart we leaned together, foreheads touching, bathed in a warm glow, completely oblivious to everything around us.

See. I’m shaking again.

Peace. Out.

Recognizing your fucktardiness - 5 steps to a better you.

Actually the 5 steps part is a lie. Genuine fucktards don't want to get better, and pretend ones can change in an instant.

*I am a fucktard myself from time to time. Usually because I am amused by some repetitive behaviour that offers a little cheap entertainment. You know what I'm talking about.

I've just cracked open a bottle of wine, so this one should be either punchier, meaner or stupider in fairly short order. :)

I am deeply disppointed by humanity at the moment. I have some quite good reasons not to be, but I'm choosing to ignore them in favour of the very annoying behaviour I have been a witness too lately. I have had to say 'WTF is wrong with you????!' too many times to ignore. I told you the story of the fucktard and the burnt finger, I have a million more. Oh the finger is so badly burnt it doesn't hurt! There's a big white strip of DEAD across it. LOL.

So you think you might be a fucktard? Early warning signs are:

-thinking your funny even though everyone looks at you like you have a cuckoo coming out of your head when you crack a joke.

-your employees all pull the finger at you behind your back (you can get a special mirror to check for this).

-your colleagues 'forget' to invite you to drinks.

-people you know cross the street to avoid you.

-people you don't know cross the street to avoid you.

Things you can do to avoid being a Fucktard:

-THINK before you act!

-Never forget that DOG is watching you

-Imagine a giant Penis, now merge yourself into that image. AND JUST STOP WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING DOING YOU BIG COCK!

There are some fairly basic rules that people should follow, but seldom do. As much as I am not a big old bible basher, the golden rule is as appropriate as it has ever been. Treat people as you would want to be treated yourself. Seriously this is not a hard concept to wrap your head around surely. At the very least you should be able to grasp the fairly simple premise that 'if I go around being a total psycho fucktard to everyone, what motivation do they have to give the smallest crap about being decent to me?'

So, rules:

-If you're in management try to remember that the people under you are still PEOPLE, and that revolution is still a viable form of protest. (there boys, I slagged the management, happy now?)I could get personal here but I'm fighting that part of myself. Let me just say, if you're running the ship never forget that the little people do all the boring crapwork that you don't wanna. Fuck them off enough and guess who gets stuck with it?

-My personal favourite. NO means NO. It doesn't mean 'please feel free to continue pawing at me', it doesn't mean 'Maybe later'. It means NO. It sometimes means FUCK OFF! An addition to this is: Boys are also allowed to say NO.

-GAY is not a term of abuse. Ever.

-Everyone has their own opinions. Discuss them, share them, be proud of them. Just don't expect to change MY mind, because YOU believe it's so.

You know what I could go on forever, but I'd much rather that other people added their own 'rules'.

Wil Wheaton says "Don't be a Dick"

Peace. Out.

(This post was copied across from the facebook notes I used to rant into - your desire to know about burnt fingers may never be satisfied... unless I copy that one over too.)