Thursday, April 23, 2015

BY REQUEST - Better Business Practices, don't be a fuckwit.

NOW WITH MORE SWEARING. (Thanks to the swear collective of last evening for creative genius in the art of making up abuse.)

A friend of mine recently whirlwind QUIT HER MOTHERFUCKING SOURCE OF INCOME because the place is run by a collection of douchebags and cowboys - we've probably all been there, bad bosses are like the sun, you can expect one to rise every day. But sometimes we get one that just defies logic. A motherfucker of such epic douchnozzlery that it's impossible to imagine HOW they ever got to the position they're in.

My worst was a tremendous combination of completely crap at their job and completely crap at supervising their subordinates without being a crazy horse crack junkie douchefairy about it. (That was all mine, you can buy the rights to my excellent terms of abuse at... no just fucking use them, I don't whore my amateur trade.) This is a person who forced me to go over their head with regular abandon, which would inevitably be followed by savagely mistreating me for weeks because butthurt feefees (for people who don't know, feefees are feelings. This just makes them sound pathetic). Sadly it never occurred that since I gave not a single fuck what they thought I was never going to stop screwing with them. By screwing with them I mean trying to get them to do their fucking job properly. But at least in this case I actually had decent respectable actual humans to go up the chain to.

I've been lucky enough in my working life, that every crappy nutsack of a lameass boss had someone up the chain who didn't suck. The idea of being trapped in a place that had nothing but flaming crapsacks for management is horrific. Certain industries seem to attract them. I won't go into which ones as I have no wish to out any of the people I have got various stories from. KITCHENS! Kitchens fucking attract them. I can say this because stories from kitchens come from ME and I don't have the slightest desire to work in that industry.

The most pleasant job I have ever had was also easily the most stressful, contained the best people and also the single worst person (to work with, they were OK outside of work, more or less). Also the best and worst CEO's I've ever worked under (one of them I would TOTALLY have 'worked under' if you catch my filthy drift.) A great job can be completely ruined by a crap person. Just one, in an army of awesomeness, made going into work seem like submitting to a cavity search some days. 

Here's where I get serious - instead of just hurling made up swears into the atmosphere. Being a crap boss makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Hiring someone who is shit at dealing with people into a position where they deal with subordinates is one of the worst decisions you can make in business. Short of just setting fire to your profits. Happy workers are good workers... the corollary of this definitely and absolutely applies UNHAPPY WORKERS SUCK because they have zero motivation to do their job well. And actual positive motivation to cut corners and slack off at every available opportunity. Because, fuck you if you can't treat me with a modicum of decency. In my great job, with one suck human, I would deliberately do things that highlighted how crap the suck human was. If it was going to make them look bad I would absolutely slack off. AND I LOVED MY JOB. I can't even imagine the shenanigans I'd have got up to if the job had sucked too. Actually given the sorts of shit I pulled at school maybe I can imagine. I have a certain creative flair for douchebaggery. 

People in management are supposed to know about the balance of power and not taking advantage of that. But few seem to remember that it applies beyond the scope of sexual harassment. We're all so terrified of the spectre of sexual harassment (I'm not, I'll sexually harass you six ways from Sunday if I think I can - chill, when I say that I mean I'll flirt like a fucking crazy person if I KNOW you are good with it) but we forget that there are many other ways you can be a dick in the office. And your subordinates are just as powerless - sometimes even more so - in the face of these. I used to work for - A very large fast food company - as a manager, part of a team of managers. Some good some crap. The staff under me loved being on shift with me. Was I too easy going? Nope, my shifts ran like clockwork and came in on target or better more often than not. So why did the people under me love me? Several things. The big one, I think was that there was no job so awful that I wouldn't do it myself if I had time to. Result: If I had to ask a junior to go clean the toilet with a toothbrush for inspection they just did it without argument. Sometimes on closing shifts I would let a senior shift assistant do the managers closing jobs while I did back sink. Why? Because it was good experience for them, and a sink full of dishes isn't actually that frightening. I was all good with singing in the kitchen. I actively told staff that if a customer was being a prick pass them to me. Because they are not paid to put up with that shit. I'm not the worlds best manager... by any stretch. Mainly because I tend not to give a flying fuck about the actual business. I care about people, and am not very good at capitalist mantra. So I tend to be too relaxed about the profit side of the business. But from a subordinates perspective that makes me awesome. It's a balance, I should have worked harder at being a capitalist pig. I am so not cut out for that. Companies should make a profit, I'm just not capable of making that the be all and end all of it. 

I believe that companies profit margins should not be all that they are about. But the happiness of your staff affects your productivity, which in turn affects the bottom line. So all the capitalist pigs out there who forget that the happiness of their employees is key are selling themselves short. You can make even more money by not being a giant dickmonkey to your staff.

Back to the swearing. 

Managers like to have pretty titles. Double edged sword for a wanker, because believe me the staff are turning it into something hilariously abusive behind your back. Personally I have been less impressed by my official work titles than I have by the fun titles I've been given socially. Insatiable Vixen amused me enough to put a tattoo on my back. Sister Hessian Underthings is a scream. I can't even remember half my work titles. Because why would I give a fuck? Oh yes I know, titles are sort of useful for identifying people but seriously no one needs to be chief grand poobah in charge of wanking for profit. This is going somewhere. C.E.O. we probably all know what it actually stands for. Chief Executive Officer. But it's a hollow title these days, because everyone just says CEO and everyone just means Prick in Charge. And 90% of the universe has no idea what Chief Executive Officer even means in real terms. A friend suggested the E stands for Effluent. I can't help but agree. 


Pretty sure this is what is most appropriate for the average CEO. Apart from that one I had that I totally would have shagged,  obviously. He was lush, and a sweetheart. He believed in talking to everyone in the office whenever he had the opportunity to. Good man.

It would be nice if it stood for:

Open Door Policy.

Sometimes it does, and to the people working under those wonderful people I say - Don't take it for granted, tell them they rock. And make sure you take opportunities to talk to them about both the good and the bad around the work place. The Open Door policy is a tremendous thing when the person on the other side of the door is not a giant screaming bastard. An employer who wants to listen, and is actually likely to do something with the information passed to them is worth their weight in... something that appeals to me a lot more than gold. Humanity. If one could weigh such a thing.

The point I am trying to get across, past all the verbal abuse and disbelief, is that being decent to people is not only not bad for business, it is very good for business. Stop being an arsehole, stop hiring arseholes to run your businesses, stop thinking you need to be an arsehole to get ahead. Get with the program. 

Peace. Out.

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