Hi John, I notice you still haven't akshully apologised.

After an all inclusive twitter poll of one person, it has been decided that the politician who most needs me to take the piss out of them is STILL John Key. I can't say as I'm surprised by this result.

It comes as little surprise to anyone in New Zealand that our Reptilian Overlord has maintained his stance of MAKE EXCUSES BUT DON'T APOLOGISE over the ponytail pulling palaver. OMG we have to start calling it that at once! PONYTAIL PULLING PALAVER. Get on that Foxy.

Addendum: THE LADY WORKS FAST!!

Anyway, I'd like to take a brief opportunity to refute some things regarding your hair fetish exploits.

*I have not made my office a laughing stock* - Trust me, you have. TwitterNZ is currently bonding furiously over hilarious hair gags (oh snap, there's another one - Foxy, ponytail gag cartoon at once, you could get a big hair tie in there and make it a ballgag). The whole world is watching and we have little choice but to be the first to make the jokes. It's too embarrassing to wait for them to do it.

*I take responsibility for my own actions* - Well, go ahead then... Oh I see, you think you already have. What a muppet you are. At some point you might have to akshully make an effort to understand what it was you did that has people so annoyed and, you know, apologise for it. I know you think two tacky bottles of plonk and a vague 'sorry I didn't realise you were upset' has fixed everything. But you see, you actually fucked up quite a bit here and at some point it might be nice to hear you say it in a way that makes it sound like you get that. "I'm sorry, she's an attractive girl and I got a bit stupid in her presence. I apologise without reserve to Amanda for hitting on her in such a totally inappropriate and bullying way. I apologise to my wife for disrespecting her so utterly. I apologise to my country for making it look like we're all a pack a backwards Neanderthals who need a refresher course in appropriate behaviour." Something along those lines.

*Denying it was sexism because you COULD have done it to a man* - But you didn't, did you? It wasn't this time, or the several other times you've been caught playing with ponytails. I'd hazard a guess you like blonds too. But I'm game to see this one through. How about I take you to a few random places and we see how you go tugging a strange mans locks. Just for funsies. I'm suspicious that it won't be as funsies for you as it once was. We can even pick little guys if you like. Exactly how stupid do you think the entire country is? I mean obviously you have legit cause to think quite a few of us are gullible twats, or you wouldn't even be in this position. But surely you've noticed that not all of us fall for it.

*Clearly I've misread the situation* - NO SHIT SHERLOCK. You 'misread' a situation a 10 year old could have explained to you.

*It was really meant in good humour and nothing else* - I'm not even going to start on how much bullshit I think that is. Let's just go with, I don't actually care how you meant it, it was facile, it was rude and it was incredibly stupid. Get that through your head and we'll be getting somewhere.

*...those strengths have been a sort of casualness...* - I don't really want a casual Prime Minister. I don't want a guy who's joking around with the lads like some kind of fuckwit rugbyhead. I want a Prime Minister who remembers his place, and remembers his country. I'm cool with a Prime Minister who says Hi instead of Hello when he's wandering around on a local junket. But I'm not cool with a twat who is constantly making inappropriate jokes during question time and thinks he can get away with taking liberties in public. You come of like a crass, insensitive douchebag to so many of us. And it is genuinely EMBARRASSING. 

You don't think anyone was embarrassed? Well we bloody are. Honestly, it's pathetic and it reflects on the whole country. A Womble of a Prime Minister who can't even manage basic schoolyard etiquette? Of course it's bloody embarrassing. I'm not joking about the getting to the punchline first stuff earlier. It's make the jokes, laugh at the jokes or have to cry quietly about them. Jesus, we elected you. Well I didn't, but as a whole the country did, and here you are making fool moves like this. OF COURSE WE'RE EMBARRASSED you wally. It's not as if it's the first time and I'm certain it won't be the last. 

Peace. Out.

Hypocrisy, hypocrisy, all is hypocrisy

*Quite a lot about me. Quite sexually oriented, though not so bad that Kitty needs to stay the hell out of it. Less swearing.

So, I'm a bit of a slapper. Verbally at least. It's not a secret, I'm an incorrigible flirt with a filthy filthy mouth. 

And sometimes people call me out on it, probably not unjustifiably - because I'll bitch and moan about the asshole in the Holden, that yells out "hey, wanna fuck" at me or worse AT MY DAUGHTER (seriously guys, don't do that - I have rage control issues). But then I catch myself saying things like "And I swear it's not just because I want in John Simms pants". 

Is there really a difference? Is the douche in the hood car any more serious or disgusting than I'm being? I know I'm not really being serious, I know that if I actually MET John Simm I would be nothing but polite, ok probably somewhat gushy and maybe even flirty but that's really just ME. I would certainly not actually be trying to get into his pants. Even if he is competely Lush. But that's the thing isn't it - John Simm doesn't know that I'm being less serious than the douche in the hood car, and worse he doesn't get any say because he'll probably never know I said it. Wait is that worse? I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.

Recently Kit Harrington (Jon Snow - GoT) spoke out about how it squicked him being sexually objectified by fans - and he got shouted down for it, by hordes of women in a righteous fury that he had "no idea what it was really like to be sexually objectified". Didn't he? He gets pretty damned objectified. I've heard girls talking about Jon Snow as if the cunnilingus scene was the only actual thing he did. Others talking about shirtless scenes as if he has no value with his clothes on. Yes women take this crap a lot more regularly, but that doesn't invalidate his experiences. In some ways I really think he should have been allowed to have his say, entirely: because male actors more than any other male group DO get a lot of sexual crap. A lot of it very much the same as the shit I put up with on the street every fucking day. Perhaps men understanding that guys don't bloody like it either will bridge some of the gap between this bullshit attitude of "it's just a compliment, why do you have to get so fucking uptight about it?" and "JESUS FUCKING WEPT WHY DON'T YOU JUST UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON'T LIKE IT AND SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY???". 

I don't have a major problem with wolf whistles from building sites - though I fully understand women who do. I do mind if the same builders start yelling things. No matter how fucking "complimentary" they think they're being. I'm not sure why "nice tits love" is even supposed to be overly complimentary. Possibly I'm at a loss because I find the contents of your brain a lot more interesting than the contents of your pants. Though the contents of your brain may increase my interest in the contents of your pants. What can I say, I'm complicated. I guess it's a bit hard to shout "fucking sexy cerebellum girl" when you've never exchanged words. I think there's a large gap between someone I know at least a bit telling me I look sexy and a douche on the street telling me he wants to fuck me. Which is seriously revolting by the way guys. Never do it. The only bonus it has as far as I'm concerned is it legitimately identifies people that I literally never want to have sex with. It's like random drunks in bars telling me how huge their cock is. Thanks I don't need to see it now. 

I guess that's the other interesting thing about me and attraction to random celebrities I've never met. It's not random. There's a distinct pattern of; person whos' looks catch my attention, who I then become interested in knowing better so I watch interviews and such, then as I get a feel for their innate humanity and their intellect some of them become spectacularly attractive to me. Paul Blackthorne, current unlucky celeb of my heart, captured my attention first for his thoroughly excellent performances. Then after following him on twitter and Facebook I started getting a picture of his decency and basic niceness, and as I started to make jokes that he responded to, I started to get a picture of a mind I liked. THAT IS SO FUCKING HOT. Seriously, someone I could walk for miles with without noticing the miles because we were so engrossed in conversation? Jesus I could take that home and screw it senseless for the rest of it's natural life. Sorry. Sorry. DID I just shout "nice boots, wanna fuck"* out of the window of my fully restored Triumph Stag at you? Sorry. I'm still trying to establish lines in my head here. Also I'm not good at lines.

I guess what I'm saying is that I need to have the sense of someones personality before I start saying flirty outrages like that. I feel vaguely bad about the lovely Mr Simm because I know that he struggles with the attention of fans, and I'm sure he would turn 17 shades of red to hear this random slapper-fan talking about him like that. Sigh, he'd probably be just as weirded out by this fan saying that I'd love to get inside his brain. Shy actors. WTF even is that? 

Mr Blackthorne I feel less remorse over, and he's brought it on himself the little menace. I mean it buster - if you don't like me shamelessly flirting at you then favouriting those tweets is possibly a mistake. Haven't quite figured out if my interest in the contents of his brain is more or less disturbing to this one - working on it. I'LL MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOU IF IT BLOODY KILLS ME MATEY BOY. 

Even when I was a teenager, back in the dawn of time, I didn't really understand my friends getting all warm and wet over these basically random people. I would find myself interested in people that NONE of them cared a jot about, because they were interesting people. I've always lived inside my head, I guess I've just always been looking for someone who can get in there with me. Guys keep failing me in this area. Even the bloody intellectual for Christ sakes, and why? Because he was too fucking busy inside his own goddamn head. HOW FUCKING UNREASONABLE. To be fair he appears to still be fairly stuck inside his own head so it was never something we were going to be able to iron out. (That was faux-bitterness by the way, just in case you're reading this silly. Being able to recognise my humour was not one of your strong suits either.) 

When I was 17 I went to the first concert I was allowed to go to sans parents. Crowded House. I love those guys. I loved them then, still love them now. Why did I love them then? Initially because the lyrics spoke to me, as odd as they often were. Also they could actually play their instruments, which made for a charming change from many of the noise polluters available. After the show, I was stink hot and very anti social, because I had been pressed up against the speaker banks by morons for most of the evening. So I waited for the town hall to clear and jumped up on the edge of the stage to take a rest before going out into the milling crowd again. Which is about when the bassist came out to get something. Nick Seymour. He stopped and chatted to me for a bit. I guess a short skinny 17 year old isn't an overly threatening sight. I went from thinking they were a cool band to being head over heels for the bassist in ten minutes. He was an artist and a shy comedian. How could I not love him? From here comes my love of the bass guitar. My friends probably thought I was completely mad, but at least I was drooling over a musician like a proper teenager. The friend I went to the concert with was ready to kill me, because she went to the loo while I had my breather and MISSED THE WHOLE THING. 

Anyway, back on task - the point of talking about high school was that, scrubbers that we were (I'm lying we were those awful nice girls) we never really talked about the objects of our affections in crass sexual terms. A bit of quiet tittering about snogging was about as rough as it gets. But I hear my daughters friends and I wonder - were we just painfully backward and the other girls were talking about Simon LeBon's knob or are teenagers today a lot more open about their naughty fantasies? I'd go and ask the other girls from high school but they were mostly bitches and I have gratefully lost contact with them. I suspect the later. Kitty and her mates seem to have a lot more frankness about them than I remember from those awkward years. Thank the Gods. It may not be entirely awesome for them to be talking openly about whatever that douche from One Direction's name is knob but I am glad that they talk about many other aspects of sexuality and even boring old human function. We all pretended we didn't have bodies in those days, except when we were trying to make our boobs look bigger on Friday nights. Honest talk is better.

But I do occasionally stray into the mentions of celebrities to see what other people are saying (I'm a people watcher, have been since I was about 4 - people never cease to amaze me) and frankly some of it shocks this sexual harrassment panda. SERIOUSLY between all the "I love you"'s (you don't know them douchewad) and the "please follow me"'s (do fuck off, YOU ARE NOBODY and you sound like a stalker) lie the creepy creepy bastard with the "MARRY ME"'s (stage 1 crazy bastards) the "I want your penis inside me"'s (stage 2 crazy bastards) and the "if you don't acknowledge me I'll kill myself"'s (DEF CON ONE). These people actually make me feel better about my mild lunacy. I am positively sane beside these should-be-committed types. And I'm not sane. And at least I'm FUNNY.
I assume many of these whack jobs to be merely teenagers who aren't doing so great with their hormones. And have that frankness about them that I mentioned earlier. Because who the hell SAYS these things. I faintly remember wishing I could hang off the arm off Nick Seymour and be the one he went home with, but actually say that out loud to him??? No fucking way. He'd think I was fucking crazy. And with good reason. And today, yeah I'll say some stupid flirty nonsense...

... See, I told you he bloody asks for it. (For non twitterers, this is a "favourite" from the big man himself, NEVER ENCOURAGE THE INCORRIGIBLE mwahahahahahaha.) So yeah, I'll flirt a little. I'll even occasionally be a little too familiar or flippant without really meaning to be. But no penises. No suicide threats. No marriage demands. No I love you's, without disclaimer that I don't mean it in a more than fraternal sense. No follow demands, if you follow me it will be because you want to because it's worth nothing otherwise.

I don't yell sexual innuendos at strangers. In fact I don't make any kind of sexy talk at total strangers. That's very fucking creepy. Hell I'm actually pretty lousy at getting started with someone I actually know. I don't even make overt sexual comments directly to those celebs that take my fancy. I will use terms of endearment all the time, but I also do that with other people I care about. I have the biggest heart in the world, and once you're in it, you're in it. Forever. I do occasionally say things like "I'D FUCK HIM" to friends, but I don't really mean it, or I do mean it but would never actively do anything about it without signals that they wanted me to. I guess this is where my line is, I can joke or boast a bit as long as I know I would never actually put that person in a compromising position. And as long as I feel like I maintain respect. It's a pretty fuzzy line from the outside, from the inside I assure you it's solid as a fucking rock. I met Karl Urban (Holy SHIT sizzle) and Katee Sackhoff (equally sizzle, GODDAMN) recently and I'm pretty sure I flirted considerably more with her than him. To reiterate I am as boringly straight as it gets. OK not that straight. I remember thanking him for bringing up the fact that the rest of the country has pretty much forgotten that Christchurch is still a giant carpark courtesy of the Canterbury Earthquakes. I remember telling him that I had been super glad when he was cast in the role of Bones McCoy because holy shit I was scared about the casting for Star Trek. (N E R  D) I also remember gushing like a moron at OMG STARBUCK. Because OMG STARBUCK. Then I told Katee how Karl got his big break on fucking SHORTLAND STREET as Jamie the Ambulance Driver. (He'd already been outed by the audience during the panel, but it was such fun to bring it up with him right there.) Then we had our photo taken and I swear there was not a better smile out of the pair of them all day. Also Kitty had the look you'd expect from a teenager who has her arm wrapped around the luscious Karl Urban. "Holy fuck are my friends going to be jealous".

The moral of this tale, from my perspective is; don't be a fucking creep about your "affections" (I'm am using that term extremely broadly here, because frankly someone you just saw on the street surely doesn't have THAT much of your affection) remember that the person you're directing your attention at is a person, not a piece of meat and deserves the same respect you'd want shown to you. Now just because you might THINK that you would like that kind of attention doesn't mean either that you actually would when it's the 50th time some random douchebag has told you they'd like to stick their head up your skirt or that they're in the mood for it RIGHT NOW. Appropriateness people. Appropriateness. 

Peace. Out.

The Disappointment of a Nation

Yes Foxy, it has the swears.

*As is literally ALWAYS the case in my swear riddled blog, all views herein represent MY VIEW ONLY. 

As much as I have super enjoyed the... what are we up to now 72 hours? Free pass for hurling abuse at the Prime Minister of New Zealand. The time has come for me to take a serious look at what feelings I have about the situation; because as much as I have with joy flung mud, this IS a serious situation. Even if Dear Leader hasn't figured that out yet.

To condense the story as much as possible, for the tribes of darkest Africa that haven't already heard about it - The Prime Minister of New Zealand, The Honourable (*snerk*) Mr John Key, has for months been harassing a young lady in a cafe he frequents in Auckland. He has been pulling her hair. No, actually I'm not fucking kidding. He has been pulling her hair like a ten year old school yard bully. An act that any child can tell you is a douche move. But not, apparently, a grown man with the responsibility for the well being of an entire country. Fucknozzle.

Now, for all that the young lady says that she thinks he initially meant well... actually I don't give a fuck, not a single fuck. He's an adult human being, he should have known better and the fact that he put insufficient thought into his actions is NOT BETTER. We are not talking about a miscommunication here, because there is no point at which she should have had to say "please don't pull on my hair" because it is literally THAT FUCKING OBVIOUS. This not something that you do to someone you barely know, this is not something you do without being 100% certain the other person wants you to. Unless you are a fucking idiot. Or an entirely thoughtless twat. Or something worse, that I'm not going to go into because I don't think it's constructive to raise that spectre in this situation. I don't think he's criminally fucked up on that level, but I do suspect he might have a *thing* for hair - and you know what, that is JUST FINE, I have all kinds of *things*. The trick is, not exposing them in inappropriate places. I don't walk up to soldiers on the street and tell them I likes me a man in uniform. Because that is FUCKING CREEPY. Seriously. STRANGER DANGER. 

The story has raised all kinds of discussions over all kinds of features of the situation; Let's start with was it sexual harassment? Let me ask you this, if you are playing with your partners hair, what do you mean by it? I guess the point I'm making here is that under normal circumstances, touching someones hair is a fairly intimate thing. You wouldn't normally touch the hair of someone you were not pretty familiar with - well I wouldn't, maybe you would, but if you would then I'd find it creepy. If the touch can reasonably be defined as intimate then it can reasonably be defined as sexual harassment when it is unwanted. 

Guys the moral of this story is not that women are too uptight about these things. The moral of this story is FUCKING GET CONSENT FIRST. 

Should John Key be charged with sexual harassment? Or perhaps even sexual assault since he was literally asked to stop and didn't? THAT IS UP TO THE VICTIM. I'm actually pretty pissy at McCready for taking it on himself to file a complaint, it's not his place to do so, he is literally compounding one case of power imbalance with another. 

Which moves us on to the power imbalance... which some people would have shouldn't have been an issue, for various reasons. Look alright if some random in a suit walks into my (imaginary) cafe and is an arsehat to my staff, I'm going to step in and stop them, throw them out if necessary. Make them apologise, properly. If some douchemonkey is being a sack full of crap to ME they'll get 2 warning shots over the bows, then they'll be lucky if there isn't blood.  BUT and this is, I have to say, a fairly monstrously huge but, a but of EPIC proportions. We aren't talking about some random in a suit. We are talking about New Zealands head of government, even I might struggle to tell him to get his fucking paws off me. No I wouldn't, but I am hardly your average person. Dad raised me to know absolutely my value in the world and he priced me pretty damn high. Kings ain't got nothing on me, I'm a GOD baby. The Reptile Overlord wouldn't stand a chance. Any way, enough of my fucking enormous ego. For mere mortals standing up to one's head of government, not an easy thing, especially not when you are ALSO in the position of being a service person employed to serve him as a customer. Tad awkward saying "get your greasy mitts off me sunshine" in these circumstances. Add to that the not small factor that most women are raised to NOT VOICE COMPLAINTS in these circumstances (again, thank you Father mine, I am not so hobbled) and it's no fucking wonder it took her a significant time to say something. And did he stop after she said something? The hell he did. Self absorbed bastard didn't even listen to his WIFE on this one. If I was his wife (excuse I have to go throw up for a minute) I'd have slapped the fucker. Hard. I mean to her surely it looked like her husband was HITTING ON another woman. He might, and I hesitate to grant this, MIGHT have got away with the first one. But I'd have nailed him to the floor on the second. The power imbalance here was ENORMOUS. It's hard to imagine a bigger one without dragging one of the Princes into it and I find it difficult to believe that they have not had better training. 

The arrogance of it all. I mean really, who amongst mere mortals can honestly say they would be willing to walk into their local shops, find a service person they were vaguely familiar with and behave like this? If you can I suggest you get help. 

Let's get this out on the table - I have serious issues with social boundaries, between thinking that many of them are stupid social constructs that I don't actually want to follow, and not actually noticing when I'm approaching lines I have been known to suck at understanding the why of what's going on around me. But I know how to recognise social cues like oh say someone not liking the way I'm fucking touching them. And unless I'm fairly drunk I'm unlikely to do anything monstrously weird - I don't get drunk around people I'm not familiar with, people who know how to tell me to fucking quit it. 

So either Dear Leader sucks at social cues, in which case he shouldn't have risked doing something like that in a public place. Or, he didn't give a crap what she thought about his behaviour, in which case we should hang the fucker out to dry as an entirely inappropriate personality type to be running this country. Or the thing I'm not bringing up, because it's really not likely. Look I hate the guy, and he creeps me the fuck out, but I've never suspected him of worse than being vaguely creepy. And a cunt. 

Basically the situation here is more serious than the Scaly One is giving it credit for. This could do him real damage if he doesn't face up to it properly. Sorry chuckles but a couple of bottles of wine and a vague 'sorry I didn't realise you were upset' is not the same as a proper apology. Being sorry means actually understanding what you did wrong, and being SORRY for it. And since at this point he has also become a PUBLIC embarrassment there's going to have to be an apology to the nation too. Soz 'bout it. Actually I'm really not. The people of this once fabulous nation have been owed an apology for his fuckery for a long time. He and his lackey government have wrecked this countries international image, while destroying our natural beauty. He won't apologise for that, or even acknowledge that it's been fucked it up. Maybe he'll have no choice but to apologise for this colossal embarrassment. But if he won't apologise to us, he'd better at least front up and apologise properly to the young lady he has harmed. Because she most of all deserves to know that he has actually learned his lesson. 

Peace. Out.

Bloody periods.

Caution: Contains a frank discussion of bleeding once every 28 or so days, fuck you if you can't deal with it.

Lets talk about girl stuff. For all those men who just don't know fucking anything. #notallmen. Women already know this stuff. Because, d'uh. And we talk about it - well some of us do. My daughter informs me, with unreasonable glee, that she and her friends deliberately talk about 'girl stuff' in front of boys. Because fuck their discomfort. Why is it acceptable to make pre-cum jokes but the second you start talking about bleeding from your v'jay jay everyone turns green? Bite me.

This has been sparked off by a photograph. Can I be bothered to find a copy? YOU BET I CAN.

Really Instagram? It was artistic statement. 

Upshot: Photographer posted a provocative photograph of a woman lying in bed with a small blood stain on the bed and her pyjama pants. Holy shit, a photograph of something that happens to most women with some regularity. But it's "Yucky" so Instagram tore it down (twice) because people were squicked. (They have since apologised and replaced the content - so kudos for recognising they were W R O N G.) The link incidentally contains the full text of Rupi Kaur's response (the photographer) which is a thing of beauty.

If it had been a casual photo rather than a statement in itself I might have been more tolerant of the hordes of demented people who leaped up to tell everyone how disgusting they all thought it was - to my horror many of these people were fucking WOMEN. Because that's how insidious the attitude is - women who would happily tell their mates that 'holy shit I had a heavy period last month' are EMBARRASSED by a picture of a small leak on the internet. It's not even bloody them. And they were embarrassed on behalf of a chick they didn't know who had AGREED to be in the photo. I DON'T EVEN???????!!!!!!! 

Distracted.

Women bleed regularly for a decent chunk of their lives. Deal with it. Perpetuating the species doesn't work without it. I'm not suggesting that we should all wander around bleeding on every available surface, but it would certainly be nice to lift the veil of dirty secrecy that has no reason to exist any more. We've grown beyond closeting our women away for a lonely bleeding party. It's not witchcraft any more. There are tampon commercials on TV. Do you even know how those work? I've certainly met more than a fair number of men who were only vaguely aware of the basics. It's caused some interesting issues. See as I'm telling some poor lad who hasn't run away sufficiently fast about the natural wonder that is, for me, 3 days of thick, bright red blood seeping from my hoo-hoo (what even is that term? VAGINA. UTERUS. LABIA.) often some woman would be walking past and would burst out with 3 DAYS YOU LUCKY BITCH! Then things would turn from bad to worse as we discussed whether my very heavy flow was worse or better than her light but 7 days flow. While the poor male tried to kill himself with whatever was to hand. My complete lack of cramps also causes much jealousy. I don't blame these women, they sound bloody awful (pun intended). Not to mention often debilitating. Now I'm inclined to think that talking to any random person about these things... PERIODS, we're talking about periods. is probably not necessary most of the time. But then there's all these times when it might be nice to be able to talk frankly about PERIODS. Not saying I have a headache so you can go home from work without squicking your boss. I HAVE AWFUL CRAMPS BECAUSE I AM BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK ELEPHANT. OK you don't actually need to do that, but I'm annoyed by this and very open to hyperbole. It would be nice to be able to tell your partner exactly why you're off your game tonight. Sorry honey, I'm having a particularly heavy period, maybe you could make me a cup of tea. Or, I had a cervical smear today, you know how awful those are.... and have him actually know how awful those are!!! (The mark of a great doctor is that he heats the fucking speculum first.) 

For the uninitiated, the speculum (also know as the duck billed platypus) is a cold steel device, inserted into the VAGINA and cranked apart (I'm not joking) so that the doctor can reach a swab all up inside you to swab your cervix. Cervical Smear. It's at best not a joy filled experience, for some of us it's actively painful (pick me, pick me, pick me) I know women who face the reminder letter from the doctor with a sense of dread. I'm more a sense of resignation to my fate sort of girl. Too much cancer in la familia to not be sensible about it. 

Here's a speculum for your edification.

Ben Elton, bless his comedic gold heart, does a number of routines around the subject of PERIODS. He's a big believer in the idea that men SHOULD know all the details. He admits that he knew less than nothing when he was a younger man. Less than nothing because much of what he 'knew' was assumption and invention. He knew women bled for some unspecified amount of time each month. Didn't have any idea what we did about it. He faintly knew that women had to have a regular smear test but not what was actually involved. And yet I can tell you exactly how a prostate exam goes. It's even been on HouseMD. Mind you they've also done pelvics on House, so kudos to them. No bleeding like a stuck elephant was mentioned, but girly parts were taken seriously. It's a start. 

Ben envisages a world where men have the periods and sees it as a very different place. Where guys in pubs brag about which size of tampon they have to use, and periods days mandated holidays from work. Where leaving a blood spot on the seat is a subject of jocularity not shame. Because it's OK for men to talk about 'gross' bodily functions. They can tell us about the giant dump they just took and expect laughter rather than awkward silence. But can I laugh about the time the tampon string broke and I had to go fishing for that bastard? I can tell the girls - if we've already broached the subject in some way. Or if I have the awesome group of friends that I have. I am so very blessed in my social circle. Good people, with good hearts, and wide open minds. Mostly not due to chemical abuse. Show me the love people. I love you all, you know who you are. 

Normal human function is compartmentalised for discussion, some of it is off limits but we talk about quite a lot of it without very much trouble at all. We all talk about sex like no ones business. Wanna know how to shut that down really fast? Mention period sex. BAM. Complete silence. But sex is not entirely off the table during menstruation. M E N S T R U A T I O N. It's messier and  for some the idea is too off putting. For some it's pretty terrific. For a woman with low lubrication issues it can be the only not externally lubed sex she can have. And here's a kicker. Well here's a kicker for me, and a few other women I've talked to. I am as horny as all fuck when I'm on the rag. I will bang you six ways from Sunday if you're up for it. No I won't, I'm celibate, but I WOULD HAVE. Back in the day. 

Things are improving. Go check out youtube, there are videos of teens talking about period advice. Young women are refusing to keep this in the cupboard. As we should have done when it was our turn. But we needed society to have taken a few steps further forward. And we had other battles to fight. And to give them their credit, there seem to be plenty of young men who are stepping up to improve things too. I find that my LGBT friends (the male ones, the women are already in this game) are far more willing to talk about Menstruation than most straight men. Maybe because they know what it is to have a subject that people don't want to talk about. They listen with the understanding of those who have not been listened to. 

This subject has been way too long in the cupboard. It's a normal process. It may not be something you want me to discuss over dinner, but I should be able to bring it up without fear if I need to, or if I want to share some weird thing. We aren't afraid of it the way we were in the depths of time, or at least we don't have any reason to be. We've just allowed ourselves to believe that it's something icky that we should avoid mention of. It's all in our heads. Like the rest of our hang ups. 

Peace. Out.

One snap too many.

*You can assume that I yelled every word of this, anything in CAPSLOCK is probably loud enough to burst eardrums. Contains extra swearing, and potential triggers.

Everyone, EVERYONE, has the right to expect that they will not be touched in a sexual way without invitation. Not just people you have respect for, not just your mates, not just people you have things in common with. Not just boys. Not just adults. There is no JUST about it. 

There's a story doing the rounds on Facebook. Of a school girl who punched a school boy for snapping her bra strap, and the unfolded story of both what actually happened and what the school was doing about it.

Here it is, the details are useful...

But here's the thing. Before we even start with the details it needs to be understood that IT ISN'T FUCKING OK TO PING A GIRL'S (or a woman's) UNDERWEAR IN PUBLIC (you know, unless you know she likes that shit). It's UNDERWEAR. It covers those bits that we get upset about. Our SEXUAL organs. To mess with it is invading our sexual privacy. FUCK YOU if you think it's just HILARIOUS, letting it slide when the girl is upset about it is so, SO VERY VERY FUCKING NOT OK.

But this isn't about a bra twang, or at least not JUST about a bra twang. It's about every douchebag who thinks it's ok to tell me to smile while I'm walking down the street. It's every dickbag in his car who thinks it's manly to yell obscenities at my very pretty teenage daughter. I assure you she does not want to fuck you, and shouting it at her is what completely assures me of this fact. Perhaps if you learn some respect and self restraint you might have a shot. It's every bastard son-of-a-douche who thinks they can touch someone up at a party because they've had too much to drink. It's every stupid frat-boy dickbag who thinks that 'lack of no', is the same as yes. 

It's every blind politically backward wanker who says that "oh, boys will be boys". It's every courtroom that errs on the side of caution when there is FUCKING VIDEO FOOTAGE of what happened. It's every school that decides it's ok to tell girls to "just ignore it" when it is FUCKING SEXUAL ASSAULT. And after that it's every school that chooses to cover it's own ass rather than see a prosecution through. It's every parent who covers for the kid they KNOW did something terrible, but they just love them so much. It's every community that bands together to dump on the victim because the accused is popular. Popular people do shitty things too, and it's equally not ok. It's people who each and every time there's a rape case in the media bring out the same old bullshit. 'Girls lie about this stuff all the time'. 'She provoked it'. 'She shouldn't have been dressed like that'. 'She was drunk'. 'She went on a date with him'. 'She shouldn't have walked home at night'. 'She shouldn't have been alone'... The list goes on and on and on, and FUCK THE LOT OF IT.

The discussion on whether one should protect oneself from potential harm is actually completely irrelevant to the discussion of the committing of the crime. If I walk home alone, I may be stupid but I have not broken any laws. If someone takes the opportunity to rape me BECAUSE I'm alone they HAVE broken the law. The end. All this situational BS is just diversionary. If she was wearing a short skirt and got raped then what happened was a rapist raped her. The skirt is not actually relevant to the discussion. So why do we keep letting it get in there?? Do we think that men cannot control themselves and hence should be allowed some leeway? Do all the men who manage not to rape the girl in the short skirt probably deserve a medal? They aren't asking for one, because the majority of them don't think they're doing anything amazing. They just AREN'T RAPISTS. 

So we come to the point where sometimes a girl strikes BACK. Sometimes someone crosses the line and we're left with no choice but to defend ourselves. Let's leave the school girl out of it - because like all second hand stories; we can't KNOW exactly what went down. Instead I'll give you a story from my past, because that IS mine to share.

I had recently broken up with my boyfriend, so recently that we were still living in the same house. Which was ok because he was a decent guy and we had just grown apart. We were still friends so it wasn't a big deal for one of us to hurry up over the moving out. (Irrelevant background... my ex isn't the bad guy in this) however a friend came over to cheer me up, so he said. To be on my side, because my ex had a new girlfriend and was bringing her over to meet me, so that she wouldn't have to feel totally weird that we were still living in the same house. I should have seen the warning signs probably, because our friend was a complete bastard to the new girlfriend right from the word go. But instead of telling him to stop being a douche and GTFO, I steered him away from the lounge to my room. Because there he wouldn't be making constant digs at the poor girl and he was a friend, he'd been in my room before... when it had been OUR room. Maybe that was the difference, now he didn't have my ex, his friend, hovering over his choices. My friend thought trying it on with me was a good move, and in a vulnerable state I let him kiss me, but then he tried to go further very quickly, and I told him to stop. But he didn't stop. Telling him to stop was not enough. So I grabbed him by the throat and squeezed, and told him to get the hell off me. He hesitated and I squeezed harder, drawing blood. He GOT THE FUCK OFF ME. He apologised and he left. 

Could I have dealt with it without violence? Possibly, but probably not. He was heavier than me, and under normal circumstances physically stronger than me. He didn't know that I over react to adrenaline turning into a miniature HULK. He would not have stopped because he didn't think he had to. I am usually a mild person, he did not know that I have another side. Only showing him that I COULD hurt him was going to stop him. And maybe showing him that I could, made him think twice before trying it again. He said it has. He told me that night made a big difference in his life. That it hadn't occurred to him that he goes too far until someone MADE him stop. People who get away with things sometimes fail to realise they are doing something wrong. 

If we continue to send the message that victims are at fault, what message do the perpetrators learn? Putting yourself in an unsafe position does not offer an open invitation for you to be victimised, it is STILL on the attacker to NOT be the criminal. Maybe I should think twice about the length of my skirt, but the rapist following me should DEFINITELY think twice before he rapes. And then just not do it, because it's literally NEVER ok. 

The first person to say "not all men" or "men are victims too" or any variation on these will provoke a DERAILING ARGUMENTS IS A DICK MOVE blog. I fully understand that men are occasionally victims of sexual assault too, BUT in the vast majority of cases the victims are women or girls. And assault on men makes me angry to, it's just a hell of a lot easier to argue about one gender at a time. Please work from the assumption that ALL of this applies to the other iterations of sexual assault and to ALL offenders. 

Yes I fully understand that rapists make up a small portion of the male population BUT, with stats like 1 in 6 women are victims of sexual assault I think the problem is rather bigger than whining about the good guys. See there's 2 *other* issues with that problem. 1) A lot of NOT RAPISTS, do those objectionable victim blaming things. Which frankly creep me out. And leave many women in a position where we simply don't know who we can trust. Which leads to 2) Rapists don't tell you they're rapists under normal conditions. If they wore matching shirts with RAPIST in bold type on them I'd know who to avoid. But they don't. People who wear those shirts tend to be douchebags who think they're incredibly funny (they aren't) so no help there. Except that having douchebags identify themselves is also a bonus. 

So I can't write this from the perspective of only talking to the rapists and apologists because I don't know who all of them are. Get a grip. If you're a nice person, I'm probably not aiming my yelling at you personally. Pat yourself on the back for not being a douchebag and move along. Because the second you stand up and say but I'm not, you've put yourself squarely in the pointlessly derailing the argument pile and thus joined the douchebags. Have a nice evening.

Peace. Out.